1:1...

some of you readers may be among the blessed ones and know my lovely wifeband, d. she is a real charmer. not to mention quirky as hell. (clearly, a quality shared by every member of the family.)

one of her surprising quirks is her obsession with her own hair. to her credit, she does have great hair. thick, manageable, can-wear-any-style-and-look-great hair. she can often be found checking herself out in the mirror when she's having a good hair day (and even more often when she's having a bad one); and she will talk endlessly about which stage between cuts she is in when someone is foolish enough to compliment her on her hair.

she claims this obsession started early due to her mother running a beauty shop in the basement of her childhood home. she says there were mirrors everywhere and her mom taught her "it's all about teeth and hair". yikes. now i am paying the price for this shotty parenting mantra by listening to the endless queries from my spouse, "how's my hair?"

unfortunately her attentiveness to her hair doesn't translate to an ability to actually fix her own hair. more often than not she asks if i can "tweak" it. i was not blessed with such lustrous locks myself so i don't know why i can fix it better than she, but i can. i attribute this fact to my understanding, and her lack of understanding, of what i call: the hair ratio.

over the years i have noticed that she has a tendency to fix the back of her hair, and then fix the front of her hair. as if they were two separate entities. (they're not honey, they're really not.) i have repeatedly told her over the years that she should treat her hair as one unit. eventually i came up with my hair ratio idea as a way of explaining to her, and amusing myself.

i ask her, "how many heads do you have my love?" she answers, "one" (rather sheepishly). i continue (intentionally condescending), "that's right! one head. one hairstyle. it's a one to one ratio. not two to one. one to one. one head, one hairstyle. not two, just one... one. do you understand? one!" she laughs, assuming i'm just poking fun. i'm not just poking fun. i'm serious. one head+one hairstyle= good. the mullet clearly taught us that one head+two hairstyles= bad. we must heed these lessons and learn from our ancestors.

now, i must be clear here. my wifeband does not now, nor has she ever, sported a mullet. i simply use that illustration to show how far down the dark road a 1:2 ratio can take us.

my wonderful wifeband is well aware that i use her for blog fodder now and again, and she is ok with it. i would even say she's charmed a little. but i'm not telling you this story to charm you, i am doing my part to provide a valuable psa. all of you need to go look in the mirror and consider if you have violated this sacred truth of the 1:1 hair ratio. do it now, do it for the children.