persevere (rate)/ (ration)/ (ating)

persevere: to persist in a state, enterprise, or undertaking in spite of counterinfluences, opposition, or discouragement

perseveration: continuation of something (as repetition of a word) usually to an exceptional degree or beyond a desired point.

(merriam-websters dictionary)

"persevere" is an interesting word. in it's various forms it's meaning can change drastically. when one is struggling we are encouraged to persevere through the tough times. change that a little to perseverate and the connotation changes as well. to be honest, i didn't hear or use the variation "perseverate" much before my oldest daughter came along, now it's not only something i hear OFTEN, but i'm encouraged to persevere in discouraging her perseverating by medical and school personnel. it feels like the world says, "shut down. get going! knock it off. keep it up! time-out. get in the game! sit still. chin up!" it's exhausting, make up your fucking mind already.

as my blog pretty clearly tells you, i have a had bit of an ass-kicking year. not ass-kicking as in "that was awesome, it kicked ass!", but rather "why is that woman lying in the fetal position? oh, she got her ass kicked." (it's ok to laugh, it's funny. god knows i laugh at my ridiculous life often enough). these series of events that continue to unfold around and within me lead me to wonder whether i am, or should be, persevering or perseverating?

prime example, i am going focusing my energies in the moments, minutes, or hours between crisis management this week on tapping the maple trees in my yard to make my own syrup. i have never done this before, and so it requires learning and concentration on my part, both of which are good distractions and avenues towards persevering. this activity will serve many positive purposes in my life right now, it will get me outside, teach me something new, and result in providing my family with a connection to this earth as well a healthy product we use often. i have spent hours reading, researching, and calculating the benefits of making my own syrup; it will reduce my carbon footprint, be cheaper than buying the stuff for a bajillion dollars for a qt, and it will be fun and educational for my kids. i was thinking about it as i fell asleep last night, and i began compiling my list of needed supplies first thing this morning. am i being prepared and tackling this responsibly? sure i am *she says tentatively with doubt in her voice*. however, if my 10 year old autistic daughter (z) were focused this much on one thing, whether at school or at home, she would be considered to be perseverating and redirection would be the first order of business. we tell ourselves that this redirection would be necessary to keep her mood more stable an prevent her severe anxiety from settling in for a good long while. but here's where it gets sticky, i am overwhelmed and anxious about this syruping business too. i am doing it for all of the reasons i mentioned above, but i am also doing it to distract myself from the rest of my life and give me something tangible to focus on. if everything goes according to plan and i make some yummy sweet syrup, then yay for me- i accomplishment something positive. if the learning curve for this activity has some unexpected detours and the syrup gets all jacked up and inedible i fear a total nervous breakdown in my near future. i'm putting a lot of eggs in this basket of maple sap, if you know what i'm sayin'. i'm relying on this activity to give me a sense of purpose when my life feels overwhelming, how is that different than z wanting to know every little thing her class will do, at what time, and in what way on a monday morning so that her week feels less overwhelming? it's not different. at all.

in my perseverance i am perseverating so that i may accomplish this goal and will then be inspired to persevere. when i break it all down like this i think a.) this is riDONKulous, and b.)i'd rather take a nap than do any of it. i would rather succumb to the overwhelm than risk the possibility of failure and meltdown. maybe that's the key difference between my perseverance and z's perseverating, for me persevering is something difficult that requires i maintain great focus to do. for z, it's like breathing. she doesn't require a self-given pep talk to latch onto an idea and run with it, but i do. suddenly it feels like i am the one who needs redirection, maybe i should ask z what to do?