don't do it.

i have some great friends in my life (so blessed!), one particularly wise and awesome friend has a motto that has stuck with me, and i have adopted as my own. "i don't do fucked up" is something she says when toxic people try and gain access to her life. it seems so simple, and yet it can be difficult to discern and enforce. after all, we don't live in a black and white world where lines are clearly drawn and boundaries strictly observed. her point, and i think it's brilliant, is that if you have drama, and you want to project your fucked up shit onto me than you can take your show on the road because i'm not interested.

just think of it, imagine those people in your life that bring the drama with them everywhere they go; and now imagine you said to them, no thanks. not that you would necessarily toss them out of your life, but that you would let them know they needed to check their shit at the door because it's not allowed in big momma's house. easy to say, difficult to follow through on. because of this difficulty we tend to allow these emotional predators into our lives and homes just so we can avoid that awkward, sometimes painful conversation where we shine a light on their behavior.

i will admit that i am widely known as a bitch for saying things out loud that people would rather i didn't, i've been this way since i was so young i don't remember anything else. for me it was a survival mechanism that prevented me from drowning in a sea of passive aggressive brutality. naming what i see in front of me has helped me not completely lose my mind and become one of those people we all see in our downtowns eating their own hair and talking to themselves; so i am thankful for this personality trait. however, every positive has a negative. the negative side of this tell-it-like-it-is coin is that it pisses people off (especially people who are fucked up), and when it pisses these people off they will often come at you with an emotional sucker punch at the first sign of vulnerability. it is these people, that are emotional predators.

i'm guessing all of you have someone in mind right now as you read this, someone in your life that you can conjure without much effort who never shows up at your door without a hefty amount of baggage. maybe it's someone in your family, maybe it's someone you have called friend, regardless it is very difficult to tell these people, as toxic as they may be, to get out. to simply say, "i don't do fucked up". it's a direct, blunt, and somewhat vague sentiment. anyone who has been in your life for a while will want you to elaborate on what you think is "fucked up", and when you do you are walking a slippery tightrope. you know how their behavior makes you feel, and you know how it effects your life, but to define it can be difficult. if you can define it, than you risk feeling isolated in your truth. no one likes to feel lonely, even if it's due to honesty.

so there is your choice, say it out loud and sink into that feeling of being "an island of reality in an ocean of diarrhea" (jason mraz song), or hold it in and allow the fucked up diarrhea to wash over you and find refuge in your home and life. because pretending it's not there has never made it go away.

poor baby.

if this blog were my child i would owe her a lot of money for therapy due to severe neglect. lo siento sweet girl, i will try and be more attentive from here on out.

i've been mulling over the adage "actions speak louder than words" a lot lately. it is a standard that i not only believe, but hold myself and those in my life accountable to. there have been far too many times when i could look at someone who was talking to me, and i could see right through what they were saying. their words ringing hollow and lifeless, their actions (or lack thereof) screaming in contradiction. it makes my stomach turn and my skin crawl, i have never been able to abide this violating form of lying in my life.

some might say my expectations are too high, i would challenge this notion by clarifying that i don't expect flawless actions from anyone (myself included); what i do hope for in others is the courage to be honest and challenging with themselves when faced with dilemma, confusion, and the simple choices of the day. i don't think this is too much for us, as fellow members of the world community, to ask of each other. what is so bad about saying, "i'm confused about ______, and i feel myself veering away from living a life that meshes with my values and integrity, i need to get some help."? (even if you say it to yourself in your own head). AND THEN FOLLOWING THROUGH ON THESE WORDS BY *gasp* TAKING SOME ACTION TO CHANGE YOUR COURSE. it's not rocket science people. we are all human, we all fuck up in large and small ways.

recently someone added to my adage (say that 10 times fast!) with "...and results speak louder than actions". (hi adam!) i don't agree. i think results can vary, and not necessarily reflect ones efforts. i know there have been many times in my life where i can look and say that did everything correctly on paper. i dotted every i, crossed every t, and followed the rules laid out for me; in other words i took all of the right actions while making my intent clear and purposeful. yet still i didn't get the results that matched my actions. in these circumstances i think there lies a perfect opportunity to practice what i'm preaching here. i could be bitter, jaded, and blaming of others that my strong efforts didn't pay off, or i could let go of the things over which i have no control, and look forward to how i will handle my actions and reactions to these events. self- analyze, breathe, and reboot. additionally i think it is a slippery slope if one gets too tied to results. i believe it is the effort, the sheer act of acting on ones beliefs, convictions, or values that speaks to someone's honor and intentions; not so much what comes of said actions (although, aren't positive results awesome when they come together?!). i would go even a little further and say that being too tied to results can set one up for becoming a words-without-actions-asshole because not getting what we want is a perfect excuse to stop doing and start whining.

*to be clear, my friend adam is not an actionless asshole, quite the opposite actually. he's a good egg, but i still disagree with his black and white boy brain. in other words, no adams were harmed in the writing of this blog ( i hope). :-)*

there is a subtle place in human beings that i believe is a major contributor to defining our character: it is the place where we decide to own our behavior, and do our work; or excuse away our behavior onto others, and deny the issue that is a blinding red light in our face. notice that neither of these options include not fucking up in the first place, it is assumed that we all do/ will continue to, so go ahead and fuck up i say! have at it. be the flawed human that you are, and then look at what happened, evaluate how it made you (and others) feel, and decide in an honest and real way what you are going to DO to rectify the situation at hand, and ensure that your next mistake (and there will be one) is something new and different to deal with. no one likes a broken record, especially if it's skipping on on a horrid song.

letting go, moving on...

timelines are a bitch.  not the kind of bitch one loves (like me!) but the kind one does not so much care for.  over the last weeks as we have come to a firm decision to take our act to ithaca i have been trying my best to time manage the whole situation. 

the questions swim around in my head; when will we list here, when will dana start work there, should we put an offer on the house we love there, when to tell people, when to go, when when when will it all come together?  mid july? end of july? august? when?  i run possible scenarios in my head all day these days trying to figure out what's going to work the best for our family. 

quite frankly money is our main obstacle right now.  or lack thereof.  as if juggling all of these details wasn't stressful enough we have plowed through our savings while dana has been laid off these last months.  i know it's not proper in MN to talk openly about money, but why the fuck not?  it's real. we all deal with it.  we all have or have had some struggle or questions with it at some point in our lives; and yet we act as if it's taboo to talk about it.  fuck that noise. especially in this era of economic uptheassofthemiddleclassedness, we need to be on each others sides. talking about it helps.

but i digress (shocking)... i met with our realtor today, got my homework, and decided on a list price.  what i'm realizing is that i have to let go of something i have historically NOT been good at letting go of.  i have to let go of a timeline.  i have to let go of knowing.  for those of you out there who know me, you know that i like to know. ya know?  it's not serving me or my family well for me to be obsessing about the other side of this journey.  what i am learning (and will probably need to be reminded of lots) is that each day some thing(s) get figured out.  we are building something from the ground up.  one bit by one bit and we (i) need to trust in the process.  i don't want to miss a highest-good opportunity for me and my brood because my sights were not focused on the tasks at hand.  so, just one thing at a time.  one detail. one picture packed.  one project started.  just one.