No Impact Man: a review

i just finished watching the documentary, "no impact man". it's the story of one man, a writer in nyc, that takes his family on an exploratory year of trying to live without impact on the environment. the short version of my review would be," it was good". i am me however, so i have a little more to say about it.

i would start with the title, clearly thought up by man with his black and white brain, as "no" impact is not an actual possibility. that aside, i like the premise of exploring ways that ordinary people (and they are) can reduce their environmental impact on the world. the thought that individual action is meaningful in some way in the face of humongous world issues is something i believe very strongly in.

some of the things that drew me to watch this film are that his wife agreed to go along on this journey (with their young daughter) despite being a self professed "high fructose corn syrup and reality television addict" who works for a major national magazine. also, i like the fact that the man behind the philosophy does not have a long scientific history with environmental impact issues. he is a guy who had an idea and ran with it. because of this humanity his experiment was an evolutionary one, and a deeply flawed one; which in my view makes it more accessible to the masses, and thus more powerful. his contention is that by making these changes, and attempts at changes, he would inspire others to look for ways they could do the same in their lives, they in turn would inspire the people in their world to make some different choices, and so on and so on.

one of my favorite lines from the film was when he said (i'm paraphrasing), "i think idealism is one of the most powerful political acts". he was met with a lot of skepticism via his blog (which tracked his families journey), and it caused him to wonder a lot about why people were so afraid or opposed to believe in someone trying to make positive changes. i have to agree, i mean we are all pretty much on the same page these days that the environment is seriously f-ed up, and doing things to have less of an impact is a good thing (hello, massively simplified statement). it took us a long time to get to the place where there was mainstream acknowledgement of environmental issues, now is the time to open ourselves up to the ideas of others so that we can start to look at turning this pony around and having a positive impact (as opposed to "no" impact) on the world around us. we can learn from each other to find what works, and what doesn't, to reduce our negative individual impacts. another piece of good news is that what works for me, doesn't have to be the same for you. for me riding my bike everywhere and not having a car isn't something that would work well at this stage of my life, but maybe it would work very well for someone who lived in a different place or had a different lifestyle. well, that's great. i can contribute by not eating meat, recycling, composting, and eating locally. if we all did just a few things that we feel inspired to do it truly would have a big impact.

so while i don't think it's realistic for everyone to go whole hog (pun intended) trying not to have any impact on the environment, i do think exploring the vast array of ways in which we do make impacts is a good conversation to have because let's face it, simply recycling isn't going to cut it anymore. at it's core i think that was what "no impact man" was trying to convey. i also think that if you get past the black and white falsehood in the title, which i think makes it sound like a documentary that is only going to make it's audience feel inadequate and defensive, that it's message is a good one, and surprisingly it is very accessible to the masses. overall, i recommend. let me know what you think if you've seen it!

muke-ASS

so i've gotten a lot of positive feedback on the whole becoming vegan thing, and the support is much appreciated! i'm about 2 1/2 weeks or so in (i've had small amounts of dairy 2x...why do i feel a need to confess that?) and the detox process has gotten pretty intense. intensely mucusy that is. holy phelm batgirl! it's more than phelm at this point, it's upper respiratory gunk and it sucks. is this what smokers go through? how do they live with it? i don't feel sick, i just have an intense keep-me-up-at-night cough... a cheesers cough if you will. oh i've been a cheeser for years, i'm tough like that. A blue, creamy, sharp, hard, soft, processed, unpasteurized, cow, sheep, goat, raw, domestic, international, any way i can get it, milk lovin' cheeser! (whew...that nearly became climactic!) yeah, i love cheese. a lot. more than you, i guarantee it. yet, now i don't miss it. this essential building block of my own personal nutritional pyramid, and general life philosophy, is gone and i'm totally ok with it (so far). every time i have thought for a second about putting some cheese on something or in something (ie: my mouth) all i see is a mommy cow who is tied up and being forcibly kept pregnant so she will continue to produce milk, a mommy who as soon as she delivers her babies has them stolen from her. baby girls sent to become dairy cows themselves, and the baby boys have their legs bound so they can't walk and are fattened a bit before being slaughtered for veal. every time. i'm a very visual reader, a whore for the word picture, a victim of my own imagination; sometimes it serves me well and sometimes it kicks me in the ass, this time it's doing both. something clicked in my head and i am no longer able to separate my love for cheese from these torturous acts. but i digress... (that should seriously be the name of my blog:)

back to a more pleasant topic, my mucus. being me means i'm hardwired to ask questions, so my question is where has all of this gelatinous goo been hiding in my body? Because it seems to be excreting from every pore, and it's freakin' gross. has it been lining my lungs, clogging my liver, coagulating in my colon, all this time without me knowing it? my skin is broken out, i'm hacking like a smoker of 35 years, and, well... *ahem* other things are happening too. d-i-sgusting .

what i'm told is that all of this should shake out (jarred by my relentless hacking no doubt) and i will feel like a rockstar in no time. or just a little time at least. in the meantime, i am acquainting myself (and my family) with new foods and recipes. this is the fun part. you will all be happy to know that i have mastered the vegan chocolate peanut butter cup, which leads me to wonder...will i be the only fat vegan on the face of the planet? perhaps i will. time will tell i suppose. i've also met some fabulous new grains, my favorite of which is savory mochi. look into it. one of the perks of veganism is the thoughtfulness with every bite i put into my body. it's a nice way to relate to food, and the world around me. my kids and i (who are still just as enthused about being vegetarians) have been doing a bit of reading about food and it's environmental impact, and i have to say that i had no idea the depth and severity of impact that my dinner was having on the earth. maybe i knew abstractly, but i never really knew, for example, that if every American eliminated just ONE serving of meat from their weekly diet it would be the equivalent of taking 5 million cars off the road. JUST ONE! while veganism, or even vegetarianism, may not be for you, one meal a week would be pretty doable! that fascinates me.

as my canine children finish up the last of their high priced dry meaty food this week they will become vegetarian too. it seemed weird to me that we would make this change for animal rights and health reasons, and not do the same for our pets...i'll post in the coming weeks about how they are coping/responding to the changes. one last thing for today, and it's a biggie... leather shoes and purses. *deep breath* the shoes are right up there with cheese for me so this is going to be a tough one. i figure i get to keep all of the ones i already have b/c... well the harm has already been done. as far as what comes next, i'm guessing a lot of scenarios that involve me weeping on the sidewalk in front of shoe stores. one thing at a time...

don't do it.

i have some great friends in my life (so blessed!), one particularly wise and awesome friend has a motto that has stuck with me, and i have adopted as my own. "i don't do fucked up" is something she says when toxic people try and gain access to her life. it seems so simple, and yet it can be difficult to discern and enforce. after all, we don't live in a black and white world where lines are clearly drawn and boundaries strictly observed. her point, and i think it's brilliant, is that if you have drama, and you want to project your fucked up shit onto me than you can take your show on the road because i'm not interested.

just think of it, imagine those people in your life that bring the drama with them everywhere they go; and now imagine you said to them, no thanks. not that you would necessarily toss them out of your life, but that you would let them know they needed to check their shit at the door because it's not allowed in big momma's house. easy to say, difficult to follow through on. because of this difficulty we tend to allow these emotional predators into our lives and homes just so we can avoid that awkward, sometimes painful conversation where we shine a light on their behavior.

i will admit that i am widely known as a bitch for saying things out loud that people would rather i didn't, i've been this way since i was so young i don't remember anything else. for me it was a survival mechanism that prevented me from drowning in a sea of passive aggressive brutality. naming what i see in front of me has helped me not completely lose my mind and become one of those people we all see in our downtowns eating their own hair and talking to themselves; so i am thankful for this personality trait. however, every positive has a negative. the negative side of this tell-it-like-it-is coin is that it pisses people off (especially people who are fucked up), and when it pisses these people off they will often come at you with an emotional sucker punch at the first sign of vulnerability. it is these people, that are emotional predators.

i'm guessing all of you have someone in mind right now as you read this, someone in your life that you can conjure without much effort who never shows up at your door without a hefty amount of baggage. maybe it's someone in your family, maybe it's someone you have called friend, regardless it is very difficult to tell these people, as toxic as they may be, to get out. to simply say, "i don't do fucked up". it's a direct, blunt, and somewhat vague sentiment. anyone who has been in your life for a while will want you to elaborate on what you think is "fucked up", and when you do you are walking a slippery tightrope. you know how their behavior makes you feel, and you know how it effects your life, but to define it can be difficult. if you can define it, than you risk feeling isolated in your truth. no one likes to feel lonely, even if it's due to honesty.

so there is your choice, say it out loud and sink into that feeling of being "an island of reality in an ocean of diarrhea" (jason mraz song), or hold it in and allow the fucked up diarrhea to wash over you and find refuge in your home and life. because pretending it's not there has never made it go away.

in accordance

i don't know when exactly i dedicated a space in my brain to the idea of living in accordance with ones values, and more specifically all of the ways that i (and those i observe around me) violate that relationship, but it's been at least a year or so. not that the idea that one should try and live this way only occurred to me one year ago, but it has it's own dedicated space now. it's no longer a fleeting and vague philosophy, it has become a crucial part of how i conduct myself. it was one of the major factors in our cross country move last summer, and it is center stage for my recent (albeit tentative) plan to transition to not just vegetarianism, but to becoming vegan. STOP. wait. I'M NOT THERE YET. there is still cheese in my fridge, and milk on my breath. as of today however i am committing to no longer buying meat products for anyone in my house (yes, there have been family discussions and consensus), and to not buying any new dairy products for myself. for awhile now my kids and i have been discussing the animal rights side of becoming veggie in some form or another. we are animal freaks to the core in our house, and when we talk very honestly about the relationship between being animal lovers AND meat eaters, there is no real honest justification. we are not living in accordance with one of our most treasured family values. why? for an occasional chicken finger or creamy piece of cheese? yes. that's why. we have said that the rights and lives of all living creatures are important to us, but our actions have drawn a big red line through that statement because ultimately we have prioritized our habits over our beliefs. it's shameful, and so very common. in fact i think the commonness of this separatist way of living is what really helps us justify it.

another piece of this puzzle is our families individual and collective health. as the leader of our household i pride myself on providing genuinely good wholesome foods to my family. we have been organic before organic was cool, and we avoid any and all high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, and crazy-ass food dyes. my kids have always lived this way, they have been able to identify certain "bad" ingredients on a food label since before they could read. additionally i am a really good cook, i have never been someone who will eat something JUST because it's good for me, it has to taste good too. i have learned that it is possible to make almost anything taste pretty damn good if you know the methods and trust your culinary instincts. personally i haven't eaten red meat since i was 19, and i was a vegetarian for several years during my 20's. even now i eat far less meat than most meat eaters i know. it rarely finds it's way into my shopping cart; and still i haven't made the commitment to fully transition to a plant based diet. little g and i both have acid reflux regularly, in addition to other GI issues. z. has sensory integration dysfunction, autism, and (despite it being normalized by doctors) very early puberty in my opinion. all of these daily health concerns can be traced back either wholly, or partially, to our diet rich in dairy and animal products. at the least our diet can exacerbate these issues, at the most i fear it is actually causing some of them. it's interesting because when z has food dyes she inevitably has a meltdown within 2 hours. she loves her sugar, and if it's blue or pink or bright red, all the better in her eyes! but i can count with 100% accuracy on her mood for the remainder of the day. i find that fascinating. what specifically is happening inside her body to cause that reaction? the same is true for me with my allergies when i have a lot of cheese.

now i must confess that i am someone who gets on a kick with this, that, or the next thing and tends to go whole hog (pun intended). which is why i have been gently reading, pondering, and exploring this whole plant based diet thing for months now. i have talked myself in and out of it several times, but it keeps popping up around (and within) me with a resonance that is difficult to ignore. this all or nothing mentality is also something i have learned to be wary of as it hasn't served me well in the past, so i am slowly transitioning. i'm replacing cow milk with almond milk (shockingly good, and this from someone who does not like soy milk at all!), butter is giving way to earth balance, sour cream to tofutti, and cheese... well, cheese is just going to have to fade into my past like a lover that did me wrong and no longer works in my life; because i think the vegan "cheeses" that are on the market are disgusting and insulting to a cheese lover like me. :-) becoming ok with letting go of my creamy love is a process, but i am confident that i can be happy even without it in my life.

this life is a short one and it is my intention to live as honorably as possible. there are so many things happening in this world that i have little or no control over, but which distress and worry me a great deal. war, famine, abuse, neglect, corruption, murder, natural disaster, and devastating environmental issues just to name a few of the things that make me want to crawl in a hole and sleep the time away. this is another reason that a plant based diet will help me to live in accordance with my values. it is, i think, one of the most impactful decisions i can make to start becoming more a part of the solutions versus the problems i see in the world around me, and to move even closer to aligning my values with my daily way of life.

persevere (rate)/ (ration)/ (ating)

persevere: to persist in a state, enterprise, or undertaking in spite of counterinfluences, opposition, or discouragement

perseveration: continuation of something (as repetition of a word) usually to an exceptional degree or beyond a desired point.

(merriam-websters dictionary)

"persevere" is an interesting word. in it's various forms it's meaning can change drastically. when one is struggling we are encouraged to persevere through the tough times. change that a little to perseverate and the connotation changes as well. to be honest, i didn't hear or use the variation "perseverate" much before my oldest daughter came along, now it's not only something i hear OFTEN, but i'm encouraged to persevere in discouraging her perseverating by medical and school personnel. it feels like the world says, "shut down. get going! knock it off. keep it up! time-out. get in the game! sit still. chin up!" it's exhausting, make up your fucking mind already.

as my blog pretty clearly tells you, i have a had bit of an ass-kicking year. not ass-kicking as in "that was awesome, it kicked ass!", but rather "why is that woman lying in the fetal position? oh, she got her ass kicked." (it's ok to laugh, it's funny. god knows i laugh at my ridiculous life often enough). these series of events that continue to unfold around and within me lead me to wonder whether i am, or should be, persevering or perseverating?

prime example, i am going focusing my energies in the moments, minutes, or hours between crisis management this week on tapping the maple trees in my yard to make my own syrup. i have never done this before, and so it requires learning and concentration on my part, both of which are good distractions and avenues towards persevering. this activity will serve many positive purposes in my life right now, it will get me outside, teach me something new, and result in providing my family with a connection to this earth as well a healthy product we use often. i have spent hours reading, researching, and calculating the benefits of making my own syrup; it will reduce my carbon footprint, be cheaper than buying the stuff for a bajillion dollars for a qt, and it will be fun and educational for my kids. i was thinking about it as i fell asleep last night, and i began compiling my list of needed supplies first thing this morning. am i being prepared and tackling this responsibly? sure i am *she says tentatively with doubt in her voice*. however, if my 10 year old autistic daughter (z) were focused this much on one thing, whether at school or at home, she would be considered to be perseverating and redirection would be the first order of business. we tell ourselves that this redirection would be necessary to keep her mood more stable an prevent her severe anxiety from settling in for a good long while. but here's where it gets sticky, i am overwhelmed and anxious about this syruping business too. i am doing it for all of the reasons i mentioned above, but i am also doing it to distract myself from the rest of my life and give me something tangible to focus on. if everything goes according to plan and i make some yummy sweet syrup, then yay for me- i accomplishment something positive. if the learning curve for this activity has some unexpected detours and the syrup gets all jacked up and inedible i fear a total nervous breakdown in my near future. i'm putting a lot of eggs in this basket of maple sap, if you know what i'm sayin'. i'm relying on this activity to give me a sense of purpose when my life feels overwhelming, how is that different than z wanting to know every little thing her class will do, at what time, and in what way on a monday morning so that her week feels less overwhelming? it's not different. at all.

in my perseverance i am perseverating so that i may accomplish this goal and will then be inspired to persevere. when i break it all down like this i think a.) this is riDONKulous, and b.)i'd rather take a nap than do any of it. i would rather succumb to the overwhelm than risk the possibility of failure and meltdown. maybe that's the key difference between my perseverance and z's perseverating, for me persevering is something difficult that requires i maintain great focus to do. for z, it's like breathing. she doesn't require a self-given pep talk to latch onto an idea and run with it, but i do. suddenly it feels like i am the one who needs redirection, maybe i should ask z what to do?

poor baby.

if this blog were my child i would owe her a lot of money for therapy due to severe neglect. lo siento sweet girl, i will try and be more attentive from here on out.

i've been mulling over the adage "actions speak louder than words" a lot lately. it is a standard that i not only believe, but hold myself and those in my life accountable to. there have been far too many times when i could look at someone who was talking to me, and i could see right through what they were saying. their words ringing hollow and lifeless, their actions (or lack thereof) screaming in contradiction. it makes my stomach turn and my skin crawl, i have never been able to abide this violating form of lying in my life.

some might say my expectations are too high, i would challenge this notion by clarifying that i don't expect flawless actions from anyone (myself included); what i do hope for in others is the courage to be honest and challenging with themselves when faced with dilemma, confusion, and the simple choices of the day. i don't think this is too much for us, as fellow members of the world community, to ask of each other. what is so bad about saying, "i'm confused about ______, and i feel myself veering away from living a life that meshes with my values and integrity, i need to get some help."? (even if you say it to yourself in your own head). AND THEN FOLLOWING THROUGH ON THESE WORDS BY *gasp* TAKING SOME ACTION TO CHANGE YOUR COURSE. it's not rocket science people. we are all human, we all fuck up in large and small ways.

recently someone added to my adage (say that 10 times fast!) with "...and results speak louder than actions". (hi adam!) i don't agree. i think results can vary, and not necessarily reflect ones efforts. i know there have been many times in my life where i can look and say that did everything correctly on paper. i dotted every i, crossed every t, and followed the rules laid out for me; in other words i took all of the right actions while making my intent clear and purposeful. yet still i didn't get the results that matched my actions. in these circumstances i think there lies a perfect opportunity to practice what i'm preaching here. i could be bitter, jaded, and blaming of others that my strong efforts didn't pay off, or i could let go of the things over which i have no control, and look forward to how i will handle my actions and reactions to these events. self- analyze, breathe, and reboot. additionally i think it is a slippery slope if one gets too tied to results. i believe it is the effort, the sheer act of acting on ones beliefs, convictions, or values that speaks to someone's honor and intentions; not so much what comes of said actions (although, aren't positive results awesome when they come together?!). i would go even a little further and say that being too tied to results can set one up for becoming a words-without-actions-asshole because not getting what we want is a perfect excuse to stop doing and start whining.

*to be clear, my friend adam is not an actionless asshole, quite the opposite actually. he's a good egg, but i still disagree with his black and white boy brain. in other words, no adams were harmed in the writing of this blog ( i hope). :-)*

there is a subtle place in human beings that i believe is a major contributor to defining our character: it is the place where we decide to own our behavior, and do our work; or excuse away our behavior onto others, and deny the issue that is a blinding red light in our face. notice that neither of these options include not fucking up in the first place, it is assumed that we all do/ will continue to, so go ahead and fuck up i say! have at it. be the flawed human that you are, and then look at what happened, evaluate how it made you (and others) feel, and decide in an honest and real way what you are going to DO to rectify the situation at hand, and ensure that your next mistake (and there will be one) is something new and different to deal with. no one likes a broken record, especially if it's skipping on on a horrid song.