sibs

the relationship of siblings is an odd thing. either you are close to each other and would jump in front of a moving train for your beloved bro or sis, or you have a strained relationship and you would jump in front a train...um, er... wait... that's the same result. why is that? is it some intrinsic connection born from genetics, or spending our formative years under the same roof? yeah, i think it is. i can give diverse examples from my own life to illustrate my point, and you know i love to tell stories to illustrate my point.

example one: my sister. we are very close, some say there are twin-like similarities between us, and yet we are nine years apart and were raised in completely different families. (abridged version: the 'rents got knocked up, gave her up for adoption, later got married and had 2 more kids, which unfortunately they kept.) we met when i was 16 and she was 24, we look alike, we talk alike, sometimes we even walk alike, or something like that. our lives mirror each other in inexplicably odd ways; and yes, i would jump in front of a train for her.

example two: my bro. we are not so close. in fact currently he is not talking to me on account of my moving away from our home state. he feels betrayed and abandoned. he is 1.5 years older than me, but i am truly his big sister. i have always protected him and provided him with necessary emotional shields needed to survive in a family of origin like ours. we fight on a regular basis. when we were little it was physical fighting, now it is verbal. we can go 'round and 'round never seeing eye to eye; and yes i would jump in front of a train for him. this one is more perplexing to me, i mean he is an ass. truly, if you met him you'd know what i mean. he is a big beer guzzling-shouting at the sports team on the tv-booming voice-not thinking before he speaks (or acts)-swedish ASS. so why would i jump? not sure, but i would. even if i don't talk to him for a long time, and he's mad at me forever, i still would.

example 3: my kids. sisters to the core, the kind they portray on tv, the kind that love each other, get each other, and are best friends; and they are adopted from entirely separate biological families. we in this house cling to each other, each understanding the frailty of the family unit in a profound way. i have no doubt that either of them would jump for the other, of course they would. z. would most likely be lecturing g. as she did it, but no one messes with her little sister... except for her on a daily basis.

in accordance

i don't know when exactly i dedicated a space in my brain to the idea of living in accordance with ones values, and more specifically all of the ways that i (and those i observe around me) violate that relationship, but it's been at least a year or so. not that the idea that one should try and live this way only occurred to me one year ago, but it has it's own dedicated space now. it's no longer a fleeting and vague philosophy, it has become a crucial part of how i conduct myself. it was one of the major factors in our cross country move last summer, and it is center stage for my recent (albeit tentative) plan to transition to not just vegetarianism, but to becoming vegan. STOP. wait. I'M NOT THERE YET. there is still cheese in my fridge, and milk on my breath. as of today however i am committing to no longer buying meat products for anyone in my house (yes, there have been family discussions and consensus), and to not buying any new dairy products for myself. for awhile now my kids and i have been discussing the animal rights side of becoming veggie in some form or another. we are animal freaks to the core in our house, and when we talk very honestly about the relationship between being animal lovers AND meat eaters, there is no real honest justification. we are not living in accordance with one of our most treasured family values. why? for an occasional chicken finger or creamy piece of cheese? yes. that's why. we have said that the rights and lives of all living creatures are important to us, but our actions have drawn a big red line through that statement because ultimately we have prioritized our habits over our beliefs. it's shameful, and so very common. in fact i think the commonness of this separatist way of living is what really helps us justify it.

another piece of this puzzle is our families individual and collective health. as the leader of our household i pride myself on providing genuinely good wholesome foods to my family. we have been organic before organic was cool, and we avoid any and all high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, and crazy-ass food dyes. my kids have always lived this way, they have been able to identify certain "bad" ingredients on a food label since before they could read. additionally i am a really good cook, i have never been someone who will eat something JUST because it's good for me, it has to taste good too. i have learned that it is possible to make almost anything taste pretty damn good if you know the methods and trust your culinary instincts. personally i haven't eaten red meat since i was 19, and i was a vegetarian for several years during my 20's. even now i eat far less meat than most meat eaters i know. it rarely finds it's way into my shopping cart; and still i haven't made the commitment to fully transition to a plant based diet. little g and i both have acid reflux regularly, in addition to other GI issues. z. has sensory integration dysfunction, autism, and (despite it being normalized by doctors) very early puberty in my opinion. all of these daily health concerns can be traced back either wholly, or partially, to our diet rich in dairy and animal products. at the least our diet can exacerbate these issues, at the most i fear it is actually causing some of them. it's interesting because when z has food dyes she inevitably has a meltdown within 2 hours. she loves her sugar, and if it's blue or pink or bright red, all the better in her eyes! but i can count with 100% accuracy on her mood for the remainder of the day. i find that fascinating. what specifically is happening inside her body to cause that reaction? the same is true for me with my allergies when i have a lot of cheese.

now i must confess that i am someone who gets on a kick with this, that, or the next thing and tends to go whole hog (pun intended). which is why i have been gently reading, pondering, and exploring this whole plant based diet thing for months now. i have talked myself in and out of it several times, but it keeps popping up around (and within) me with a resonance that is difficult to ignore. this all or nothing mentality is also something i have learned to be wary of as it hasn't served me well in the past, so i am slowly transitioning. i'm replacing cow milk with almond milk (shockingly good, and this from someone who does not like soy milk at all!), butter is giving way to earth balance, sour cream to tofutti, and cheese... well, cheese is just going to have to fade into my past like a lover that did me wrong and no longer works in my life; because i think the vegan "cheeses" that are on the market are disgusting and insulting to a cheese lover like me. :-) becoming ok with letting go of my creamy love is a process, but i am confident that i can be happy even without it in my life.

this life is a short one and it is my intention to live as honorably as possible. there are so many things happening in this world that i have little or no control over, but which distress and worry me a great deal. war, famine, abuse, neglect, corruption, murder, natural disaster, and devastating environmental issues just to name a few of the things that make me want to crawl in a hole and sleep the time away. this is another reason that a plant based diet will help me to live in accordance with my values. it is, i think, one of the most impactful decisions i can make to start becoming more a part of the solutions versus the problems i see in the world around me, and to move even closer to aligning my values with my daily way of life.

overwhelm, shut-down, drink, stress, feel guilty, REPEAT DAILY...

mother of pearl i am struggling!! my lovely wifeband left to forge our path eastward a week ago. she has created a clear path with tenacious effort and dedication to our family. i, on the other hand, have been drowning in what is left behind. specifically single parenting 24/7, and being left to pack the remainder of our belongings before august 13th. some people are just able to tackle these sorts of challenges head on and do a little each day making it less overwhelming and daunting. i am not one of those people. when i get overwhelmed i get shut-down and i usually end up doing things that i don't need to do. for example, obsessively playing word games or puzzles on facebook. or playing dress-up with the children or sitting on the floor talking to my dogs for a LONG time. or talking on the phone (a lot!) or, or or or or or or or or or or or.......

so this is where i'm at. there's lots to do and my primary grounding force (wifesband) isn't here to ground me. couple that with how much i've already done and I AM FUCKING TIRED. the girls are fighting more than normal ("MMMOOOOOMMMMYYYY... izzy won't play with me!" is something i hear 20,000 times a day), i have a hormonal almost-10-year-old whose mood is swinging in rapid and unpredictable patterns, and my family of origin is emotionally sucker-punching me around every other corner. (fuckers).

enter: shut down. shut in is more like it. i just want to stay home until the moving truck comes and load up and go. it would be even better if i could hide under my covers (literally) until that happens. (yes, for those of you who don't understand what i'm talking about, i know this isn't an option). but it's what i want.

because i try to do my best to end on a positive note i will share what my blessings are right now. my children are healthy adventurous souls. my wifesband is gainfully employed in the town where we want to live; in addition we continue to be madly in love 11+ years later. i have some amazing friends who are really showing up for me right now. i have my dogs, who make it possible for me to go to sleep w/o d each night.

all this goodness, and it still feels so overwhelming to just get up and go pack something... anything. why is that?

yes we did...

there are so many things swirling around in our world on this historic day. speculations, praise, hope, caution, optimism, redemption, the list could go on forever. what i mostly feel, is hope. i am so grateful this morning, for hope.

as a lesbian mother who has taken on the joy and challenge of raising two beautiful little bi-racial girls i have felt a mother-connection to this race. what i mean by that is simply that i felt more invested for my kids, for what it would mean to them and their history, their journey, their story as young black women (and old black women) in this country than i did for my own political ideologies. in these last days and weeks as i watched obama campaign i held my breath and wished all good things for him the way a mother does when their child is on stage at a school concert. fingers crossed, almost afraid to watch, but too proud and hopeful not to.

good parents tell their kids, "you can be anything you want to be when you grow up". we give them this mantra to propel them forward in their lives even though, secretly, we know that it is more complicated than that. sometimes when i tell my girls this i wonder if i'm sort of lying to them. after all i have seen enough of this world to know that all doors have not historically opened to young people of color, let alone young people of color who come from trauma and are raised by lesbians.

but today, today i feel content. content that i have not lied to my kids. that we as a country have made good on my promise as a mother. my promise to them that if they do good and try their best they can achieve far beyond anything we can fathom.

the other night at dinner as we were talking about the election, and who my little darlings would vote for at school the following day my youngest, g., asked me where barack obama was from. it started us talking about his background. i felt pride and relief to be able to tell them about this (now) very mainstream man, and how he rose to his success from a place much like where they have begun. "he had one mom, and his dad was not there to raise him", i told them. "he had hard times in his life, but he loved learning and worked to be a good person and help other people as hard and as much as he could." they listened and asked questions and got very excited to vote, we all did.

after his win was announced last night i tried to wake them and tell them of the amazing news. my oldest wouldn't even stir from her deep sleep, and little g. didn't open her eyes when i told her, but she smiled a sweet little smile. this morning bounding out of their room the first question was, "mommy!!! did he win? did he win? " and i could say "YES HE DID!" the 3 of us danced in the hallway for a minute. two little black girls fresh off a night of sleep in suburban minnesota, still wearing their shower caps to protect their lovely locks, dancing in celebration of a victory they can only understand a fraction of. it was SO good.

they will grow up with the luxury of taking this historic election for granted. i can tell by the looks on their faces that they, of course, don't fully understand the gravity of this victory. someday they will understand though, and i wonder when that will be? i wonder how this will change the course of their lives? of all of our lives.

there is no doubt that there is a mountain of epic proportions to be climbed by the obama administration, and all of us who are involved and invested in our betterment and growth as a country. for today though i am smiling. because what i have told my kids, that if they work hard they can be anything they want to be, turns out to actually have more truth to it than i let myself dream before this day.

sweet and low...

there is no sweeter sound to me these days than the sound of d's car pulling in the driveway with my girls after school. the sound i relish is not from the car specifically, it's the sound of all three of them singing loudly with the windows rolled down.

d. and i are both music fiends and we have made sure it is a centerpiece of our family life. often we have the same taste in music, sometimes we diverge. we're all loving augustana's new song "sweet and low". d. keeps the cd in her car and rocks out with the girls every chance she gets. i, too, enjoy rocking out with the girls each day. currently we are feeling the "sex and the city" soundtrack. :-) g. is addicted to fergie's "labels or love", while z. and myself are hooked on india arie singing "heart of the matter". (although car dancing and singing along with fergie is crazyfun!)

music is such an important part of our family life. in the car, in the house, while we sleep, everywhere. all four of us connect deeply to ourselves and each other through music. it makes us laugh, think, feel, cry.

for both d. and i music was our escape from the lunacy that raged in each of our family homes as children. d. recalls her credit woes as a 3rd grader indebted to columbia tapes and records. i was a paul simon enthusiast, and played my 45 of slip slidin' away on my little blue record player so much i wore it out. (yes, i was a dark child).

our kids rarely choose straight up kids music, although they have the full collection. z. is a U2 junkie, has been since she was 4. g's tastes range from annie lennox to usher, much like my own. d. is a musical hound dog, meaning she is always sniffing out who is new and great on the music scene, and her tastes run a wide range.

d. and i were continuous concerts goers as youngins, both as a couple and before we met. our concert going fell off dramatically when the parenthood set in, but we are happily and steadily regaining that part of our life. the only issue has been explaining to our children that they can't come with if it's not an all ages show. last week we saw shawn colvin at the dakota in minneapolis. it was a great show, just shawn and her guitar. we had a table and ordered wine and french fries. (pretty different than hanging off the stage next to the speakers at first ave, sandwiched between a smelly guy and another smelly guy.) it was great! if you haven't seen a show at the dakota, i highly recommend. my favorite quote of the evening was after she sang "sunny came home" she leaned into the mic and sort of whispered, "sometimes you just need to write a good murder ballad". so true.

here is what else i have in my 5 disc changer in the car:

*jason mraz
*joshua radin
*sex and the city soundtrack
*shawn colvin
*lifehouse

what are you listening to?

will you be my friend?

it seems the older we get the more difficult it becomes to spontaneously make a new friend. we probably all have the experience of meeting someone new and thinking, "man, they're cool i would like to hang out with them". but if you're out of college and don't have school as a means for crossing paths frequently and establishing a pattern of witty exchanges or shared eye rolls, how do you make friends when you're a grown up? sure there are these new fangled social networks where you can click a button to add new friends to your life, but i'm not talking about that. i'm talking about seeing someone in real time in the real world and approaching them with actual words out of your actual mouth. radical, i know.

the youngest of my brood, g., is in kindergarten, where making friends is actually a part of the curriculum. being a bit of an overachiever she has made it her personal homework assignment to "make friends" with every single kid in her class. (she would prefer to also be the first one to make friends with everyone, but that is another issue:) she comes home each day with the 'new friend report'. it usually goes like this:

monday: " hey mommy, today i asked ben to be my friend, and he just looked at the floor and walked away.

tuesday: "hey mommy, today i asked ella to me friend and she said yes and we played pretend just-got-born-babies at the zoo"

wednesday: "hey mommy, today verinnia and sahetta got to be my friends because they played with me and i didn't even ask 'em to and i can tell they really like me a a lot so i didn't even ask 'em if they wanted to my friends because i just know they do. isn't that weird? (deep breath) their moms let them color on their faces and they make dots on their heads. how come you don't let me make dots on my head?" (they wear bindi's:-)

thursday: "hey mommy, guess what?!?! i asked ben again to be my friend and this time he said yes! i guess he was just shy before."

friday: "hey mommy, today i was gonna ask charlie to my friend but then he kept touching my hair so i didn't ask him"
ME: "which one is charlie, point him out to me."
G: "over there, jumping on that other boy"
ME: "hey chuck! this one here is my girl, keep your hands OFF! are we clear?"
based on the look of terror in his eye, i think we're clear.

everyday as g. is recounting her list of new friends and how she simply approached them each with one simple request, "will you be my friend?" i think, first of all, i'm raising one brave and confident girl! secondly, i wish grown ups could do that to (without seeming like a creepy stalker). i think we, as grown folks, are just so tied to conversation as a cornerstone of friendship that it becomes a lot more difficult. g. makes her request, gets an answer, and plays. often in silence, next to someone else. happy just to share the space and maybe the activity at hand. can you imagine if i tried that. let's say i see another mom waiting in the hall after school, and i've seen her each day. we have the same bumper stickers on our non-suvs, and we both wear keens. we are from a similar tribe and we both know it. we exchange the pleasant mouth-closed half-smile as we stand and wait for our kids each day. we even make some small talk from time to time about weather. let's say that my next move is to simply say to her, "will you be my friend?" and let's pretend (for the story's sake) that she replies, "sure". what then? can we silently go about our activities in tandem? side by side, without feeling awkward and uncomfortable? (sadly, the answer here is no). if you are in the workforce than the option for work friends exists, and you are guaranteed to have at least your choice of career in common, and that is pretty significant. if you are an at-home parent like myself than it's a little dicier. just being a parent isn't really enough to establish the lasting bonds of friendship. primarily because there are so many different ways to parent. i consider myself a progressive non-traditional mom type, which makes that pool of potential friends even smaller. fortunately for me i am blessed to have good friends left over from the school days/ work days when i made 'em, but some fresh blood would be nice to throw in the mix too. for a minute i thought it would be nice if there were some sort of "will you be my friend" personals. but that would never work because you would always wonder if people wanted to be your friend or if they wanted to be your (as my father says) special friend. ick. who needs the hassle.

the other issue is the issue of couple friends. my wifeband and i are very different, socially speaking. she could make pleasant conversation and deep connection talking to a catatonic. i, am a little more awkward. although i am known to be very vocal, i am initially pretty shy in social situations. i am closeted-shy i guess one might say. i feel uncomfortable when i first enter most social situations, but i fake it til i make it, have a glass of wine, and do my best. after you know me, as sure most readers here can attest to, it's hard to shut me up. "so i got that goin' for me, which is nice." (bill murray circa caddyshack) all of these factors make it difficult for us to meet other couples that we both connect to. i'll tell you this though, when we do meet them it's magical and wacky fun times ensue!

having good friends to rely on for laughter, advice, and just general merriment is one of the best parts of life. seeing g. boldly making new ones each day is inspiring. although they come along less frequently as adults, i am thankful for those friends in my life that i have weathered the years, hairstyles, fashion missteps, and stupid boys/girls with. and even though it makes me a little uncomfortable just thinking about it, i look forward to the friends i will (awkwardly) make in the future.