that said, i can most certainly relate to walking along and feeling like your life was pulled out from under you and all of the sudden you are falling into a parallel universe that you never thought would be your reality. we like to philosophize that this is life leading us down a new path, or taking us on an unexpected journey, or blah blah blah. although this annoying shit may true, it feels more like you have just fallen into some unforeseen gaping hole in the earths floor; and goddammit, it sucks. despite the fact that it sucks, it seems an inevitable part of life. once you start falling there is no way to stop yourself, often i try to grab the earth as i plummet. it seems all this accomplishes is to widen the hole by crumbly even more of the fragile soil and roots in my desperate hands. alas we land, somewhere. god only knows where, or when, as the fall can last anywhere from a moment to a lifetime. once we hit the bottom, and our bones rattle on impact, we can begin to shake our heads and take in our surroundings. trying to get our bearings as to where we are, and how we got there. being someone who likes to know the whys and hows for every turn in life i tend to sit at the bottom of this proverbial rabbit's hole for longer than is maybe productive and fixate on why the hole was there in the first place, and why i fell into it. once i feel i have an understanding of the hows and whys i can really look around at what's in front of me. my next step is usually to take a long nap. seriously, falling down that unexpected hole is exhausting, figuring out why i fell in the first place, even more so.
so, now i'm napping, and in a cruel twist my vivid dreams are all centered around the fall, reasons for it, and what will come next. my dreams tend to play out worst case scenarios, which as you might suspect, doesn't provide the restful sleep and rejuvenation i need for the journey ahead. now i'm tired, weary, and fearful that my dreams may be a foretelling of what's to come; but what choice do i have except to get up and start moving in one direction or another. i have found that this nightmarish psychedelic land at the bottom of this asshole rabbit's careless crevasse has poor signage and rarely (if ever) a visitors center to help me get started. so, i'm walking, grumbling and swearing under my breath, in some random direction looking for any clue that could lead me to the surface again. are cartoonish foliage and lispy talking animals who make little or no sense helpful to me at this point? no, no they are not. i'm looking for a straight shooter who has my best interests at heart. in other words i'm looking for my therapist. it would be a lot easier to find her when i need her if i could get some cell reception down in this godforsaken hell (rabbit) hole. goddamn t-mobile.
no thank you pasty faced royal court, i do not want to play your silly games full of covert meaning, i would however like it very much if ANYONE could point me towards the sun, my vitamin D is dwindling fast down here; and by the by where can a girl get a snack or some chai? this is when i know i'm getting my sense of humor back, always a good sign. i like to use dry humor and sarcasm with the abusive characters down there, i don't think they get it and i know it pisses them off. which makes me a happy. i suppose one could argue that if i would play their games and learn the lessons the way they want me too maybe i would get back home more quickly. but you see, it's never been my personal belief that getting back is the goal. getting to a new place yes, getting back to where i fell in the hole in the first place? not so much. i find it's best to accept the truth that once you have fallen down this maddening hole, whether it's because of your actions or those of someone else in your life, change is the only way to avoid the same hole again in the future. it's best to abandon the thoughts of "home" you once cherished and open your mind and heart to the fact that home, as you knew it, no longer sparkles and shines the way it once did, and the patina that has taken the place of the shimmer cannot be scrubbed off with any amount of effort or tarnex.
so i trudge on settling into this new (and hopefully temporary)reality while trying to avoid the spazzy characters that seek to distract me from walking through. i pass the flamboyant and bossy talking flowers without acknowledgement, and i swat the annoying white haired hummingbird away from me with an extra flick of my wrist to ensure she is knocked on her arse and will not be circling my head with her ear piercing drivel again.
(ooh, look! there's a starbucks *of course* things are looking up!) grande-nonfat-no-foam-chai in hand my step quickens a little, and i start to notice that things are beginning to look less distorted and cartoonish. i am beginning to feel my feet underneath me in a real way, solid on this spongy terrain. the cloudiness in my head begins to clear and my thoughts become hopeful and pragmatic, even small smatterings of excitement creep in knowing that once i find out where home is now it will be better than it was before. that this hellish time will all have been worth it because when i resurface and take that deep breath in the wide open air of my new home i will smile, and it will be real.
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