the harvest

*deep breath*... this winter has been a long one, in many respects reaching back further than the calendar would have you believe. The ground has lain dormant with a harsh and barren exterior. Underneath the surface however the seeds have been germinating, and the roots taking hold; reaching slowly and tenaciously deep into the earth. slowly (painfully so) those seeds have pushed up green shoots of hope through the bleak soil, revealing the growth that had been manifesting through this long winter. eventually trees have formed, matured, leafed out, and flowered; offering hope by showing signs of the fruit to come. tentatively i have watched and waited, working the ground when necessary, staving off unwelcome infestations that sought to undermine the trees health and growth. some days, or months, i felt this tree would never grow into anything; others i was sure it was destined for greatness. today, i can simply smile a peaceful smile knowing that the universe has offered me a time of harvest. the apples have come. they formed, ripened, and are glistening in the sun. they are happy apples, i can tell. they hang there from their tree as if polished and prideful, knowing that they were nothing more than an idea, or a hope, before this long winter. so now i will sit with my bucket of freshly picked apples, and examine each one; relishing in the deep color, sweet taste, and the years of labor it took to form this one simple beautiful harvest.

distillation

i love to cook, and for a home chef i am quite good (if i do say so myself:). one of my favorite methods to play with is the reduction. from a simple balsamic reduction of vinegar into a dark, sweet, and savory drizzle of magic; or the use of a wine or spirit to deglaze and reduce adding flavor and intensity to a dish in it's early stages. it seems, however, that as i age this concept creeps into my relationships as well. i am the vinegar. full bodied and flavorful with many uses, place me in a pot and simmer me on low until i reach my mid 30's, and i become something refined and discerning. lacking confidence in my youth i was willing to be used in a variety of dishes and ways; however i am now confident in my rich and dense attributes; and no longer will accept being dumped in mass quantity on anything in front of me.

in my adolescence and twenties it was about quantity, quality being a mere pleasant surprise. this was true of friends, food, hell - life in general! over the years i have sought my education through self analysis and experimentation. slowly but surely i have learned what my tastes truly are. i have learned a lot, and continue to do so. for instance i would prefer to drizzle my edible masterpieces with a small amount of thick, succulent, balsamic reduction; than to dress a large plate with a thin and unsatisfying cheap vinegar. similarly i would also rather savor the goodness of a small, high quality, network of friends than drown my schedule in a sea of semi-friends (definition- semi-friend: someone who may offer quantity, but not quality in respect to your relationship. aka-cheap vinegar:). despite knowing this i seem to be in the stage of life where every now and again i must test my theory and dowse my dinner in the old dressing of my 20's, thinking it will hold the same delights it did back then. always i am left feeling unsatisfied, until finally i say ENOUGH! enough dinners that are either lackluster or ruined altogether. enough mediocrity. enough.

inching along...

much like myself, time is inching along at an achingly slow pace towards our final moving date. it seems d. has been gone an eternity, and that our arrival in ithaca should be close at hand. this is not the reality. we are a mere 25% through this separation. this will be one of those times in our family history that we look back to and marvel at how we did it. because it will be done, it will happen, it is happening currently.

it feels very distinctly like i am in a body of water with a calm surface, and an incredibly strong undertow. time is simultaneously moving at lightening speed, and a snails pace. the emotional gestation cannot be rushed, yet I WANT THIS BABY OUT! it is an exhausting limbo this in between place.

what i wish for when i get to ithaca, and the truck is unloaded, and the troops are fed, and my road warrior angels have flown back to their homes, and my family is exhaling, what I WANT is to take a long slow walk at six mile rec, and swim in one of the swimming holes. feeling deeply that feeling of diving underwater and surfacing cool and new. going home tired and smiling i will open a local bottle of wine, sit on my patio, and maybe (just maybe) allow one tear of happiness to escape my weathered eyes as i exhale into contentment... it will be then that i have made it home.

mother schmother

so i wasn't one of those blessed with a woman who gave birth to me AND then proceeded to raise me with patience and nurturing... i think they're called "mothers". what i was blessed with was a kick-ass therapist. that may seem an unequal comparison, but you've never met my therapist. you see, i first met her when i was a 14 year old on the brink of total oblivion; and she saw me. she was maybe the first one to look AT me and SEE all of me; and she liked me. still does, in fact. she has been my advocate, witness, savior, teacher, lifeline, and ultimately... the closest thing to a mother that i have ever had. she is protective and knowledgeable. she cares about my well-being, she laughs with me, she gets my dark humor, and she thinks i'm interesting. she sees me as in the process of this thing called life. she embraces me for where i'm at, and i truly believe i wouldn't be here without her. she is a powerful grounding force in my life. she supports my choices and challenges me when i need it. she is always available to me, and always happy to hear from me. what more could i ask for.

as for what i think of her...

i think she is smart, funny, honest, and wise. i think she has special gifts in her chosen career. she smells good, and offers tea and sweets to everyone. she has great shoes; and her outfits range from unique and fun to classic and tailored. she follows through on what she says, and she believes in the people she helps. she is my hero, the one i look up to the most, the one i aspire to be like. i trust her. what more is there than that?

by the way... did you know that a birthday party is a gathering of people that you genuinely like/love doing something that you all enjoy doing together? i just learned about that last year and thought i should pass on the word... :-)

overwhelm, shut-down, drink, stress, feel guilty, REPEAT DAILY...

mother of pearl i am struggling!! my lovely wifeband left to forge our path eastward a week ago. she has created a clear path with tenacious effort and dedication to our family. i, on the other hand, have been drowning in what is left behind. specifically single parenting 24/7, and being left to pack the remainder of our belongings before august 13th. some people are just able to tackle these sorts of challenges head on and do a little each day making it less overwhelming and daunting. i am not one of those people. when i get overwhelmed i get shut-down and i usually end up doing things that i don't need to do. for example, obsessively playing word games or puzzles on facebook. or playing dress-up with the children or sitting on the floor talking to my dogs for a LONG time. or talking on the phone (a lot!) or, or or or or or or or or or or or.......

so this is where i'm at. there's lots to do and my primary grounding force (wifesband) isn't here to ground me. couple that with how much i've already done and I AM FUCKING TIRED. the girls are fighting more than normal ("MMMOOOOOMMMMYYYY... izzy won't play with me!" is something i hear 20,000 times a day), i have a hormonal almost-10-year-old whose mood is swinging in rapid and unpredictable patterns, and my family of origin is emotionally sucker-punching me around every other corner. (fuckers).

enter: shut down. shut in is more like it. i just want to stay home until the moving truck comes and load up and go. it would be even better if i could hide under my covers (literally) until that happens. (yes, for those of you who don't understand what i'm talking about, i know this isn't an option). but it's what i want.

because i try to do my best to end on a positive note i will share what my blessings are right now. my children are healthy adventurous souls. my wifesband is gainfully employed in the town where we want to live; in addition we continue to be madly in love 11+ years later. i have some amazing friends who are really showing up for me right now. i have my dogs, who make it possible for me to go to sleep w/o d each night.

all this goodness, and it still feels so overwhelming to just get up and go pack something... anything. why is that?

letting go, moving on...

timelines are a bitch.  not the kind of bitch one loves (like me!) but the kind one does not so much care for.  over the last weeks as we have come to a firm decision to take our act to ithaca i have been trying my best to time manage the whole situation. 

the questions swim around in my head; when will we list here, when will dana start work there, should we put an offer on the house we love there, when to tell people, when to go, when when when will it all come together?  mid july? end of july? august? when?  i run possible scenarios in my head all day these days trying to figure out what's going to work the best for our family. 

quite frankly money is our main obstacle right now.  or lack thereof.  as if juggling all of these details wasn't stressful enough we have plowed through our savings while dana has been laid off these last months.  i know it's not proper in MN to talk openly about money, but why the fuck not?  it's real. we all deal with it.  we all have or have had some struggle or questions with it at some point in our lives; and yet we act as if it's taboo to talk about it.  fuck that noise. especially in this era of economic uptheassofthemiddleclassedness, we need to be on each others sides. talking about it helps.

but i digress (shocking)... i met with our realtor today, got my homework, and decided on a list price.  what i'm realizing is that i have to let go of something i have historically NOT been good at letting go of.  i have to let go of a timeline.  i have to let go of knowing.  for those of you out there who know me, you know that i like to know. ya know?  it's not serving me or my family well for me to be obsessing about the other side of this journey.  what i am learning (and will probably need to be reminded of lots) is that each day some thing(s) get figured out.  we are building something from the ground up.  one bit by one bit and we (i) need to trust in the process.  i don't want to miss a highest-good opportunity for me and my brood because my sights were not focused on the tasks at hand.  so, just one thing at a time.  one detail. one picture packed.  one project started.  just one. 

ithaca: 10 sq. miles surrounded by reality...

i haven't blogged much in 2009 (duh).  but i need an outlet for my head so i'm gonna jump back on this pony.  thanks for reading (if you're still here).

we are moving.  didn't know this was coming a few months ago, but now that it has i know it's the right thing for me and my family.  we are not only moving, we are leaping in faith across the country to ithaca, ny.  it fits us like those illusive perfect jeans that make your legs look long and your butt look tight.  we are excited. we are terrified.  we are leaving soon.

as individuals the wivesband  and i have always been searchers.  as a couple we have been adventurous.  as a four family (as g. calls us) we have moved through the world instinctively and manifested a magical life.  there are surprises around every corner, and we have come to only expected the unknowing of living in this way.  we are aware as the grown-up leaders of the family that our choices seem odd, maybe even crazy or irresponsible to some. we're ok with that because the intent we cast out has served us well thus far.

when you tell someone you're moving lots of questions get thrown at you.  unfortch, there aren't a plethora of answers right now in our case.  we were in ithaca last week.  d. can be a wire monkey with the union there, and we have found a property we're interested in making our next home.  how all of that is going to happen i can't really say.  but it will.  and i'll keep everyone posted here as i know more.  and in case you were wondering, yes, we are very stressed out.  we are keeping the faith AND we're stressed out.

more to come.  check back regularly.

R.

shattered.

when something is broken an undetermined number of pieces that once seemed whole scatter.  in order for something to truly shatter it takes a sudden powerful jolt.  a single moment.  the slip of a hand.  shards disperse in what i would call a random pattern; but physicists will tell you that the pattern isn't random at all, but something very much predicable.  if it's predictable, is it predetermined?  what about the size of each shard, can that be foretold as well?  

you see, when i shatter something that is glass there are large pieces that usually get picked up first.  it's easy to see that they will cause a hazard if left to live out their destiny on my kitchen floor.  the next step is usually to sweep the floor repeatedly to find the smaller pieces that could do as much, if not greater harm than their large predecessors.   after the sweeping my nerves begin to settle from the jolt of a sudden crash and life begins to happen along it's new trajectory. (i.e.  i was going to make a smoothie.  now, i'm not.)  the thing that strikes me though is that there are always some pieces left behind.  no matter how diligent the person cleaning up the mess is, there is always a painful discovery at some point down the road.  sometimes the person who does the shattering is the one to find a small shard is embedded in their foot, but more often i think it happens to someone else.  someone that maybe you would never expect would be affected by your slip; or more likely someone that you knew would be affected if you didn't clean your mess very well, but whom you assumed would be fine as long as all the pieces were properly disposed of. 

i guess i am of the thought that the one who shatters can never get all of the pieces cleaned up themselves.  it takes more than one set of eyes to see each small glint of shiny glass hidden in places you wouldn't expect it to go.  maybe the trick is identifying the person (or people) who can see what you have missed, and will help you clean up what's shattered before others are hurt.

yes we did...

there are so many things swirling around in our world on this historic day. speculations, praise, hope, caution, optimism, redemption, the list could go on forever. what i mostly feel, is hope. i am so grateful this morning, for hope.

as a lesbian mother who has taken on the joy and challenge of raising two beautiful little bi-racial girls i have felt a mother-connection to this race. what i mean by that is simply that i felt more invested for my kids, for what it would mean to them and their history, their journey, their story as young black women (and old black women) in this country than i did for my own political ideologies. in these last days and weeks as i watched obama campaign i held my breath and wished all good things for him the way a mother does when their child is on stage at a school concert. fingers crossed, almost afraid to watch, but too proud and hopeful not to.

good parents tell their kids, "you can be anything you want to be when you grow up". we give them this mantra to propel them forward in their lives even though, secretly, we know that it is more complicated than that. sometimes when i tell my girls this i wonder if i'm sort of lying to them. after all i have seen enough of this world to know that all doors have not historically opened to young people of color, let alone young people of color who come from trauma and are raised by lesbians.

but today, today i feel content. content that i have not lied to my kids. that we as a country have made good on my promise as a mother. my promise to them that if they do good and try their best they can achieve far beyond anything we can fathom.

the other night at dinner as we were talking about the election, and who my little darlings would vote for at school the following day my youngest, g., asked me where barack obama was from. it started us talking about his background. i felt pride and relief to be able to tell them about this (now) very mainstream man, and how he rose to his success from a place much like where they have begun. "he had one mom, and his dad was not there to raise him", i told them. "he had hard times in his life, but he loved learning and worked to be a good person and help other people as hard and as much as he could." they listened and asked questions and got very excited to vote, we all did.

after his win was announced last night i tried to wake them and tell them of the amazing news. my oldest wouldn't even stir from her deep sleep, and little g. didn't open her eyes when i told her, but she smiled a sweet little smile. this morning bounding out of their room the first question was, "mommy!!! did he win? did he win? " and i could say "YES HE DID!" the 3 of us danced in the hallway for a minute. two little black girls fresh off a night of sleep in suburban minnesota, still wearing their shower caps to protect their lovely locks, dancing in celebration of a victory they can only understand a fraction of. it was SO good.

they will grow up with the luxury of taking this historic election for granted. i can tell by the looks on their faces that they, of course, don't fully understand the gravity of this victory. someday they will understand though, and i wonder when that will be? i wonder how this will change the course of their lives? of all of our lives.

there is no doubt that there is a mountain of epic proportions to be climbed by the obama administration, and all of us who are involved and invested in our betterment and growth as a country. for today though i am smiling. because what i have told my kids, that if they work hard they can be anything they want to be, turns out to actually have more truth to it than i let myself dream before this day.