the harvest

*deep breath*... this winter has been a long one, in many respects reaching back further than the calendar would have you believe. The ground has lain dormant with a harsh and barren exterior. Underneath the surface however the seeds have been germinating, and the roots taking hold; reaching slowly and tenaciously deep into the earth. slowly (painfully so) those seeds have pushed up green shoots of hope through the bleak soil, revealing the growth that had been manifesting through this long winter. eventually trees have formed, matured, leafed out, and flowered; offering hope by showing signs of the fruit to come. tentatively i have watched and waited, working the ground when necessary, staving off unwelcome infestations that sought to undermine the trees health and growth. some days, or months, i felt this tree would never grow into anything; others i was sure it was destined for greatness. today, i can simply smile a peaceful smile knowing that the universe has offered me a time of harvest. the apples have come. they formed, ripened, and are glistening in the sun. they are happy apples, i can tell. they hang there from their tree as if polished and prideful, knowing that they were nothing more than an idea, or a hope, before this long winter. so now i will sit with my bucket of freshly picked apples, and examine each one; relishing in the deep color, sweet taste, and the years of labor it took to form this one simple beautiful harvest.

secret society

marriage, it's a sort of secret society between partners. no one really knows what goes on in a marriage except for the two people who are in it, and yet i am continually amazed at the judgement that gets passed by people outside of that marriage. i've been curious about, and observing, this for a long time now, on some level maybe for my whole life.

i grew up in a family that looked the part. we were a caucasian, all bio, hetero, blue collar-turned white collar, moving to the suburbs, one boy child/one girl child (that i knew of at the time), version of the american dream; held together by the marriage of high-school sweethearts. all seemed calm on the surface, and there were many family photos and vacations to document our happiness. meanwhile, the undertow was pulling each of us with growing urgency in other directions. directions away from our assigned spots in the family. i was always that one saying, "ummm, hey guys, do you feel that undertow? it's pulling us apart?" to which my parents and bro would promptly and uniformly reply, "what undertow? you are such a troublemaker!" until finally one day the undertow became too strong for even the most diligent believer in the farce to resist (my mom started schtooping the dentist). yeah, that'll knock you on your ass for sure!

when all of this drama began unfolding, refolding, and unfolding again, i remember looking around at the shock on the faces of my parents, bro, and everyone who knew our family. their shock shocked me. how could they not have seen this coming? it's like watching a passenger train barrel ahead towards a brick wall and then being shocked when it crashes into that wall.

i learned from a lifetime of living in a family system like this that no one really knows what is going on behind closed doors, what i also learned is that the ones who end up judging the marriages and families of others so harshly are really only projecting their own issues, fears, and insecurities. they see something of themselves in that train wreck and it scares the bejesus out of them, so they become defensive, irrational, and mean. i saw it with my family of origin and how we were individually and collectively judged as less than. i have also felt it intimately when my partner and i have struggled in our own marriage. it's difficult to realize in the times of greatest struggle that some of the people you thought you could trust, thought were on the side of your families highest good, will actually project their stuff onto you and make a hard time even harder.

when my parents divorced it was difficult on a lot of levels. there is so much loss when a family splits a part. not only the loss of that family unit and loss of the marriage, but also the loss of community. loss of a social network. loss of family gatherings and holiday traditions. i watched as my parents were both judged, and isolated, and i saw it turn them into worse versions of themselves. it magnified their insecurities and amplified their neurosis. it's been about 15 years now, and i have seen myself and my dad recover and heal in many ways. my mom and my brother however are the walking wounded. this difference further divides an already broken family unit. it seems especially sad and unnecessary. i wonder if it would have been any different if our family would have ben embraced by supportive family or friends when things began to unravel? given my particular families history, i tend to think i probably wouldn't have. like i said, we were broken before we broke. but that doesn't mean that other families going through difficult times (hopefully on a much smaller scale!) couldn't benefit from kindness and support, as well as reserved judgments. you may hear a story told by someone struggling in their marriage as one example of what their going through, this in no way gives you an accurate snapshot of that marriage. every couple is different. what may not work for some, is easily brushed away as no big deal by others. a value held in the highest esteem in one marriage, may not even be a blip on the radar of another. and here's the kicker: every single marriage goes through ups and downs. it's unavoidable. even when you love each other like crazy, and work your asses off to create and maintain the most authentic, honest, and caring partnership possible. expecting yourself to be immune to marital strife is tantamount to setting yourself up for it. judging others when they are struggling is a simple and clear sign that there is much work to be done in your own marriage (or if you're single, your view of marriage).

so keep your eyes on your own paper and next time you feel the urge to pass judgment on someone's private life just pause for a moment and consider what that says about your own.

ambiguity

hell is not an ambiguous place ( i wouldn't imagine it is at least), and yet ambiguity is a pretty powerful form of hell here on earth. we call it all sorts of things like, "being in limbo", or "transition", but for me an ambiguous place in life is not somewhere i can comfortably dwell for long. it activates all of my "stuff". the parts of me that i have worked so hard to heal and move forward from all come rushing into play when my life stumbles upon a state of flux, limbo, transition, blah blah blah. however one dresses it up, it sucks... big time.

i think the pieces to ambiguity that really chap my ass are the unknowings. those pieces of the transition time that are hazy and unclear make my stomach turn, and my skin crawl. i could vomit just thinking about it. i like to know. everything. all the time. is that too much to ask? what's that you say, it IS too much to ask? well, fuck you. i still want it.

did i mention that ambiguity makes me really angry? makes me want to beat someone with the recklessness of my tumultuous adolescence. not a good feeling for this grown-up pacifist who prides herself of remaining calm in crisis, and pragmatically thinking through my actions. all i have to say about that is that there are people out there who should thank their mother-humping stars that i am a fully realized grown-up who holds herself accountable for her actions; because quite frankly, i could shank a bitch right right now. dear lord, that is inappropriate, and counter to my feminist beliefs on so many levels. this is what ambiguity does to me, it turns me against my own core values and makes me feel rage-filled in a way that i am really not comfortable with. luckily, i do not act on these feelings. i talk about them, write about them, and work through them by seeking to understand the shit storm around me. good times.

it's a pleasant way to spend the day, picking up a piece of fallen shit and examining it until i can know in my gut what it really is, and how it came to be in my life... and then moving on to the next hunk of excrement. once a piece is properly identified and classified it shape-shifts into a clear glass mound with smooth edges; the weight of which feels good in the hand, and can be placed proudly on the display shelves of healing person's psyche. it's like when lightening strikes in the sand and makes a free from glass sculpture, it came from a traumatic event, but now it is a stunning reminder of the beauty that comes after the storm has passed. if you don't look for the beauty however, you will never find it. it is buried underneath the sand and shit, only to be discovered and appreciated by those who are up for, and dedicated to, the excavation.

poor baby.

if this blog were my child i would owe her a lot of money for therapy due to severe neglect. lo siento sweet girl, i will try and be more attentive from here on out.

i've been mulling over the adage "actions speak louder than words" a lot lately. it is a standard that i not only believe, but hold myself and those in my life accountable to. there have been far too many times when i could look at someone who was talking to me, and i could see right through what they were saying. their words ringing hollow and lifeless, their actions (or lack thereof) screaming in contradiction. it makes my stomach turn and my skin crawl, i have never been able to abide this violating form of lying in my life.

some might say my expectations are too high, i would challenge this notion by clarifying that i don't expect flawless actions from anyone (myself included); what i do hope for in others is the courage to be honest and challenging with themselves when faced with dilemma, confusion, and the simple choices of the day. i don't think this is too much for us, as fellow members of the world community, to ask of each other. what is so bad about saying, "i'm confused about ______, and i feel myself veering away from living a life that meshes with my values and integrity, i need to get some help."? (even if you say it to yourself in your own head). AND THEN FOLLOWING THROUGH ON THESE WORDS BY *gasp* TAKING SOME ACTION TO CHANGE YOUR COURSE. it's not rocket science people. we are all human, we all fuck up in large and small ways.

recently someone added to my adage (say that 10 times fast!) with "...and results speak louder than actions". (hi adam!) i don't agree. i think results can vary, and not necessarily reflect ones efforts. i know there have been many times in my life where i can look and say that did everything correctly on paper. i dotted every i, crossed every t, and followed the rules laid out for me; in other words i took all of the right actions while making my intent clear and purposeful. yet still i didn't get the results that matched my actions. in these circumstances i think there lies a perfect opportunity to practice what i'm preaching here. i could be bitter, jaded, and blaming of others that my strong efforts didn't pay off, or i could let go of the things over which i have no control, and look forward to how i will handle my actions and reactions to these events. self- analyze, breathe, and reboot. additionally i think it is a slippery slope if one gets too tied to results. i believe it is the effort, the sheer act of acting on ones beliefs, convictions, or values that speaks to someone's honor and intentions; not so much what comes of said actions (although, aren't positive results awesome when they come together?!). i would go even a little further and say that being too tied to results can set one up for becoming a words-without-actions-asshole because not getting what we want is a perfect excuse to stop doing and start whining.

*to be clear, my friend adam is not an actionless asshole, quite the opposite actually. he's a good egg, but i still disagree with his black and white boy brain. in other words, no adams were harmed in the writing of this blog ( i hope). :-)*

there is a subtle place in human beings that i believe is a major contributor to defining our character: it is the place where we decide to own our behavior, and do our work; or excuse away our behavior onto others, and deny the issue that is a blinding red light in our face. notice that neither of these options include not fucking up in the first place, it is assumed that we all do/ will continue to, so go ahead and fuck up i say! have at it. be the flawed human that you are, and then look at what happened, evaluate how it made you (and others) feel, and decide in an honest and real way what you are going to DO to rectify the situation at hand, and ensure that your next mistake (and there will be one) is something new and different to deal with. no one likes a broken record, especially if it's skipping on on a horrid song.

always on my mind...

my dad's side of the family used to get together often for what we called "jam sessions". the whole lot of them were musicians masquerading during the day as lawn mower repair men, office workers, door to door salesmen, housewives, etc... when it was time for a jam session, dad was on drums and vocals, aunt mimi played the accordovox (known to the rest of the world as the accordion), and uncle dickie was the standard on the guitar. depending on who showed up there might be random others sitting in. everyone would drink a lot, eat a lot, and drink more. the hallmark for me to know the night was a success was when my great uncles would start calling me "grandma lee" and giving me 2 dollar bills. i have A LOT of 2 dollar bills to this day.

they would play a variety of music, mostly old country. a variety of toasts and tributes would be given in slurred speech and the kids would eventually find somewhere to fall asleep when the sun was coming up.

one of my dad's favorites to play was willie nelson's 'always on my mind'. so slow and sad it would help everyone tap right into their trauma, which there is never a shortage of in my family. getting to that place of despair was always the ultimate goal.

tonight, a random tuesday late at night, i am up watching bad tv; and what do i hear but willie's weathered voice singing 'always on my mind'. it's a commercial for the ASPCA, making a plea for people to help pets who have to "fear the ones that are supposed to care for them". they show pictures of various broken spirited dogs and cats in shelters, and i can't help but wonder where our commercial was. in fact, where is it today? where is the public advertisement that asks the public to financially support rescuing the abused and neglected kids in our society? there are over 700,000 kids in foster care in this country, and yet you rarely hear about it. these are kids who have suffered severe trauma; who are floating on a sea of uncertainty in unfamiliar and often unsafe environments. if they were literally floating on a wrecked barge off of one of our coast lines, these little children who need our help, would we just ignore them? i hope not. so why do we now? why don't we look at our neighbors, and examine our communities policies on caring for children? why are there people injecting themselves with known cancer causing fertility treatments when there are 700+ kids in minnesota alone who are LITERALLY waiting for adoption. FREE adoption. i don't understand this? i don't think i ever could. (which by the way, i am thankful for.)

if you find yourself filling your mind with "buts" right about now than you need to seriously reexamine your perspective. for example: "but those kids all have serious special needs, and i could never do that". or "but i need to have a child 'of my own'." (my personal FAVORITE). if you want a perfect child that needs no special considerations than you should forget about being a parent at all. EVERY kid has special needs. EVERY kid has challenges. guess what? so does every adult. i defy anyone to walk up to me, look me in the eye, and tell me that my children are not my "own". in fact, i double dog dare you. nothing has ever been more of me or from me than my amazing girls. i'm not some saint who just a has a big heart for 'this kind of thing' (something else we hear a lot). we are just regular average people with the capacity to love. we fuck up every day, and we love our kids. they will never know what it is to have to wander off somewhere in an unfamiliar house and try to find a safe place to crash because they don't know where their parents are... at least not on my watch.

long story short (or not), go ahead and adopt a rescue pet, and consider rescuing a child while you're at it.

mother schmother

so i wasn't one of those blessed with a woman who gave birth to me AND then proceeded to raise me with patience and nurturing... i think they're called "mothers". what i was blessed with was a kick-ass therapist. that may seem an unequal comparison, but you've never met my therapist. you see, i first met her when i was a 14 year old on the brink of total oblivion; and she saw me. she was maybe the first one to look AT me and SEE all of me; and she liked me. still does, in fact. she has been my advocate, witness, savior, teacher, lifeline, and ultimately... the closest thing to a mother that i have ever had. she is protective and knowledgeable. she cares about my well-being, she laughs with me, she gets my dark humor, and she thinks i'm interesting. she sees me as in the process of this thing called life. she embraces me for where i'm at, and i truly believe i wouldn't be here without her. she is a powerful grounding force in my life. she supports my choices and challenges me when i need it. she is always available to me, and always happy to hear from me. what more could i ask for.

as for what i think of her...

i think she is smart, funny, honest, and wise. i think she has special gifts in her chosen career. she smells good, and offers tea and sweets to everyone. she has great shoes; and her outfits range from unique and fun to classic and tailored. she follows through on what she says, and she believes in the people she helps. she is my hero, the one i look up to the most, the one i aspire to be like. i trust her. what more is there than that?

by the way... did you know that a birthday party is a gathering of people that you genuinely like/love doing something that you all enjoy doing together? i just learned about that last year and thought i should pass on the word... :-)