sibs

the relationship of siblings is an odd thing. either you are close to each other and would jump in front of a moving train for your beloved bro or sis, or you have a strained relationship and you would jump in front a train...um, er... wait... that's the same result. why is that? is it some intrinsic connection born from genetics, or spending our formative years under the same roof? yeah, i think it is. i can give diverse examples from my own life to illustrate my point, and you know i love to tell stories to illustrate my point.

example one: my sister. we are very close, some say there are twin-like similarities between us, and yet we are nine years apart and were raised in completely different families. (abridged version: the 'rents got knocked up, gave her up for adoption, later got married and had 2 more kids, which unfortunately they kept.) we met when i was 16 and she was 24, we look alike, we talk alike, sometimes we even walk alike, or something like that. our lives mirror each other in inexplicably odd ways; and yes, i would jump in front of a train for her.

example two: my bro. we are not so close. in fact currently he is not talking to me on account of my moving away from our home state. he feels betrayed and abandoned. he is 1.5 years older than me, but i am truly his big sister. i have always protected him and provided him with necessary emotional shields needed to survive in a family of origin like ours. we fight on a regular basis. when we were little it was physical fighting, now it is verbal. we can go 'round and 'round never seeing eye to eye; and yes i would jump in front of a train for him. this one is more perplexing to me, i mean he is an ass. truly, if you met him you'd know what i mean. he is a big beer guzzling-shouting at the sports team on the tv-booming voice-not thinking before he speaks (or acts)-swedish ASS. so why would i jump? not sure, but i would. even if i don't talk to him for a long time, and he's mad at me forever, i still would.

example 3: my kids. sisters to the core, the kind they portray on tv, the kind that love each other, get each other, and are best friends; and they are adopted from entirely separate biological families. we in this house cling to each other, each understanding the frailty of the family unit in a profound way. i have no doubt that either of them would jump for the other, of course they would. z. would most likely be lecturing g. as she did it, but no one messes with her little sister... except for her on a daily basis.

always on my mind...

my dad's side of the family used to get together often for what we called "jam sessions". the whole lot of them were musicians masquerading during the day as lawn mower repair men, office workers, door to door salesmen, housewives, etc... when it was time for a jam session, dad was on drums and vocals, aunt mimi played the accordovox (known to the rest of the world as the accordion), and uncle dickie was the standard on the guitar. depending on who showed up there might be random others sitting in. everyone would drink a lot, eat a lot, and drink more. the hallmark for me to know the night was a success was when my great uncles would start calling me "grandma lee" and giving me 2 dollar bills. i have A LOT of 2 dollar bills to this day.

they would play a variety of music, mostly old country. a variety of toasts and tributes would be given in slurred speech and the kids would eventually find somewhere to fall asleep when the sun was coming up.

one of my dad's favorites to play was willie nelson's 'always on my mind'. so slow and sad it would help everyone tap right into their trauma, which there is never a shortage of in my family. getting to that place of despair was always the ultimate goal.

tonight, a random tuesday late at night, i am up watching bad tv; and what do i hear but willie's weathered voice singing 'always on my mind'. it's a commercial for the ASPCA, making a plea for people to help pets who have to "fear the ones that are supposed to care for them". they show pictures of various broken spirited dogs and cats in shelters, and i can't help but wonder where our commercial was. in fact, where is it today? where is the public advertisement that asks the public to financially support rescuing the abused and neglected kids in our society? there are over 700,000 kids in foster care in this country, and yet you rarely hear about it. these are kids who have suffered severe trauma; who are floating on a sea of uncertainty in unfamiliar and often unsafe environments. if they were literally floating on a wrecked barge off of one of our coast lines, these little children who need our help, would we just ignore them? i hope not. so why do we now? why don't we look at our neighbors, and examine our communities policies on caring for children? why are there people injecting themselves with known cancer causing fertility treatments when there are 700+ kids in minnesota alone who are LITERALLY waiting for adoption. FREE adoption. i don't understand this? i don't think i ever could. (which by the way, i am thankful for.)

if you find yourself filling your mind with "buts" right about now than you need to seriously reexamine your perspective. for example: "but those kids all have serious special needs, and i could never do that". or "but i need to have a child 'of my own'." (my personal FAVORITE). if you want a perfect child that needs no special considerations than you should forget about being a parent at all. EVERY kid has special needs. EVERY kid has challenges. guess what? so does every adult. i defy anyone to walk up to me, look me in the eye, and tell me that my children are not my "own". in fact, i double dog dare you. nothing has ever been more of me or from me than my amazing girls. i'm not some saint who just a has a big heart for 'this kind of thing' (something else we hear a lot). we are just regular average people with the capacity to love. we fuck up every day, and we love our kids. they will never know what it is to have to wander off somewhere in an unfamiliar house and try to find a safe place to crash because they don't know where their parents are... at least not on my watch.

long story short (or not), go ahead and adopt a rescue pet, and consider rescuing a child while you're at it.

overwhelm, shut-down, drink, stress, feel guilty, REPEAT DAILY...

mother of pearl i am struggling!! my lovely wifeband left to forge our path eastward a week ago. she has created a clear path with tenacious effort and dedication to our family. i, on the other hand, have been drowning in what is left behind. specifically single parenting 24/7, and being left to pack the remainder of our belongings before august 13th. some people are just able to tackle these sorts of challenges head on and do a little each day making it less overwhelming and daunting. i am not one of those people. when i get overwhelmed i get shut-down and i usually end up doing things that i don't need to do. for example, obsessively playing word games or puzzles on facebook. or playing dress-up with the children or sitting on the floor talking to my dogs for a LONG time. or talking on the phone (a lot!) or, or or or or or or or or or or or.......

so this is where i'm at. there's lots to do and my primary grounding force (wifesband) isn't here to ground me. couple that with how much i've already done and I AM FUCKING TIRED. the girls are fighting more than normal ("MMMOOOOOMMMMYYYY... izzy won't play with me!" is something i hear 20,000 times a day), i have a hormonal almost-10-year-old whose mood is swinging in rapid and unpredictable patterns, and my family of origin is emotionally sucker-punching me around every other corner. (fuckers).

enter: shut down. shut in is more like it. i just want to stay home until the moving truck comes and load up and go. it would be even better if i could hide under my covers (literally) until that happens. (yes, for those of you who don't understand what i'm talking about, i know this isn't an option). but it's what i want.

because i try to do my best to end on a positive note i will share what my blessings are right now. my children are healthy adventurous souls. my wifesband is gainfully employed in the town where we want to live; in addition we continue to be madly in love 11+ years later. i have some amazing friends who are really showing up for me right now. i have my dogs, who make it possible for me to go to sleep w/o d each night.

all this goodness, and it still feels so overwhelming to just get up and go pack something... anything. why is that?

breathe in, breathe out...

...plans are progressing.  some moments it feels like a smooth and swift current is leading us eastward and some it feels like we are wading through cement.  i made the calls to the family of origin.  save for my sister (love her) and her family there's not really anyone in the family arena to miss here.  we haven't been met with much (read:any) support for this move by them; the good news there is that they've never really supported any major life decisions so there is comfort in the familiar.

all that said, there are plenty of people we consider to be a part of our extended family network that we will miss terribly.  in that vein i just wanted to say that we will make an annual summer sojourn back to the MN areas that we have called home each summer.  it is important to us to see you all, and your warm wishes and sentiments of missing us are all deeply felt.  we are so thankful to have people out there who love our family and who really see us.  we love you all too.  just in case i (we) haven't told you enough.

what to choose...what to choose...

sadly the following list is NOT A JOKE.  it is the actual unaltered email i received from my fathers wife.  i didn't feel i should hoard the laughter i got from this just for myself...happy holidays.

Greetings Folks: 

 

I'm responding to some of your requests for "ideas."   I think you'll find them all pretty practical.  For those who have not sent us your "wish lists," I would appreciate them as soon as possible.    Thank you very much!

 

·         Rubbermaid snap on easy find lid containers in various sizes.  Scott (my dad) complains "bitterly" about our current containers and finding the correct lid.  BLACK lids only. 

·         Placemats for our round kitchen table.  Need to be easy to launder or wipe off.  Maybe the slightly rounded style; but not necessary

·         JC Penneys Gift Card

·         Scott needs underwear (we hardly ever get a chance to shop).  He likes the extra heavy v-neck t-shirts (size L in Strafford brand) and size M briefs (she's talking about my dad here!)

·         Jammies or Nightshirt/gown style for Syl (probably size small)

·         Lounge pants & top for Scott (probably size large)

·         Barnes & Noble Gift Card

·         Movie Gift Card

·         Two hours of closet cleaning/organization assistance by anyone

·         Two hours of "spring cleaning" assistance in the store- vacuuming and dusting.  Does not need to wait until spring

·         Frozen meals

·         Small bottles of water (pod size)

·         Small bottles of  Fanta orange pop

·         Sunday morning breakfast

·         Refills for Airwick Freshmatic air fresheners (large & small size)

·         Microsoft wireless mouse x 1 for store

·         Swingline battery operated stapler for store

·         Store supplies (paper towels, paper plates, paper bowls, toilet paper)

·         Hand towels  (white, blue, yellow)  that have a loop/hook to hang on a hook. 

·         Plastic storage bin(s) with wheels

·         Schwan's Ice Cream Gift Certificate

·         Columbia Crest Merlot, Shiraz, or Chardonnay Wine

·         Casserole dish holder for round, oval, and rectangular casserole dishes

·         LARGE frying pan with lid

·         Black & Decker Adjustable Wrench for Scott (we saw an ad on TV. lately and he thought it looked good)

·         Glasses (probably clear) that have a very low small stem 10-12 oz size.  It would be nice if there was a matching style in about a 4-6 ounce size.

·         Swingline electric (BATTERY Operated) stapler for store

·         Small personal battery operated calculator for store--something to throw in a desk drawer

·         Note pads for the store (anyone's giveaways work just fine for notes and scratch paper)

·         Nice smelling liquid hand soap for home and store. 

goddamn holidays

thanksgiving hasn't even happened yet and my holiday stress is upon me. this more than unpleasant feeling can only be likened to the feeling i imagine santa gets when an obese american child plops down on his lap at an overcrowded mall on a saturday afternoon. first comes the dread of what you see approaching, than the realization that you are powerless to stop it from happening, and finally the acceptance that it is going to hurt and alcohol is the only thing that's going to get you through.

this is the holidays with my family. not my chosen family of course, but the others. the ones that hang like an albatross around my neck. my parents divorced about 12 years ago or so. i was an adult by then, unfortunately they were not. they squabble and pout about whose house who is going to spend what time at for the holidays. "well if you are here for 4 hours, than must go there for 4 hours too." i can feel my ulcer churning.

you often hear the phrase "the true spirit of christmas" around this time of the year. what the hell does that mean? can someone please clue me in? because all i can see are ipods, credit card debt, weight gain, and the aforementioned alcohol. not to mention my favorite of all holiday games, "who will have a blow out this year" also known as, "family feud- the holiday edition". who will it be? ma and pa? i don't think so, to obvious. bro and sis? possibly. ma and me? well, that's a given. dad and everyone? duh. evil stepwhore and the gay dentist? fingers crossed! the anticipation is killing me! seriously, i think it might actually be killing me.

last year we fled this isle of misfit toys and vacationed in NYC. it was a glorious reprieve from the madness. the realization that my reprieve is long gone is finally setting in. with the economy crashing around us we will be spending our holidays in a balmy little place i call hell. the airfare is cheap, but the hidden fees are a bitch.

some of you might call me a scrooge. you'd be wrong, but you might be thinking it. obviously you didn't grow up in a family like mine, lucky you. count your blessings and put on your sequined holiday sweater. stop reading this blog and go to Jc-fucking-penney's to get your family holiday card photo taken. go! do it! gather around the fireplace and tell your family stories from yor or wherever you are from. because in my family this is the truth. and i'm not going to wear a shiny outfit, plaster a fake smile on my face for pictures, and compliment people on food that has a saturated fat content of 110% due to the heavy use of lard and velveeta. i'm not going to pretend that i really deep dpwn wanted a gift certificate to the dress barn. i'm not going to concede that a few hours spent near a well decorated tree make everything that is broken all better. i do not have the constitution to ignore the goddamn elephant(s) in the room. what i can do is introduce the elephant. "hello elephant. meet my family. family, elephant. can i get you some cheese covered cheese balls dipped in meat? how about a side of liquid sugary fat to drink? how about it elephant, do you feel lucky, punk?"

merry fucking christmas.

I AM... a poem series by z. age 9

number 1.

I am from
red tomatoes and
spaghetti noodles

I am from green salads
fresh veggies
I am dumpling soup made with
beans.
_____________________________

number 2.

I am from rainbow
minty frosting on a candy
cookie house.

I am from good smells of
hot fudge cooking in the kitchen.

I am from the sound of dogs barking
woof woof

sweet and low...

there is no sweeter sound to me these days than the sound of d's car pulling in the driveway with my girls after school. the sound i relish is not from the car specifically, it's the sound of all three of them singing loudly with the windows rolled down.

d. and i are both music fiends and we have made sure it is a centerpiece of our family life. often we have the same taste in music, sometimes we diverge. we're all loving augustana's new song "sweet and low". d. keeps the cd in her car and rocks out with the girls every chance she gets. i, too, enjoy rocking out with the girls each day. currently we are feeling the "sex and the city" soundtrack. :-) g. is addicted to fergie's "labels or love", while z. and myself are hooked on india arie singing "heart of the matter". (although car dancing and singing along with fergie is crazyfun!)

music is such an important part of our family life. in the car, in the house, while we sleep, everywhere. all four of us connect deeply to ourselves and each other through music. it makes us laugh, think, feel, cry.

for both d. and i music was our escape from the lunacy that raged in each of our family homes as children. d. recalls her credit woes as a 3rd grader indebted to columbia tapes and records. i was a paul simon enthusiast, and played my 45 of slip slidin' away on my little blue record player so much i wore it out. (yes, i was a dark child).

our kids rarely choose straight up kids music, although they have the full collection. z. is a U2 junkie, has been since she was 4. g's tastes range from annie lennox to usher, much like my own. d. is a musical hound dog, meaning she is always sniffing out who is new and great on the music scene, and her tastes run a wide range.

d. and i were continuous concerts goers as youngins, both as a couple and before we met. our concert going fell off dramatically when the parenthood set in, but we are happily and steadily regaining that part of our life. the only issue has been explaining to our children that they can't come with if it's not an all ages show. last week we saw shawn colvin at the dakota in minneapolis. it was a great show, just shawn and her guitar. we had a table and ordered wine and french fries. (pretty different than hanging off the stage next to the speakers at first ave, sandwiched between a smelly guy and another smelly guy.) it was great! if you haven't seen a show at the dakota, i highly recommend. my favorite quote of the evening was after she sang "sunny came home" she leaned into the mic and sort of whispered, "sometimes you just need to write a good murder ballad". so true.

here is what else i have in my 5 disc changer in the car:

*jason mraz
*joshua radin
*sex and the city soundtrack
*shawn colvin
*lifehouse

what are you listening to?

the new black...

it seems that comings out of all sorts are just destined to be a regular part of my life. so here comes another one. my daughter izzy is autistic. of all my comings-out this one is the most difficult. i don't like saying it, i don't like it being real. her particular diagnosis is PDD-NOS on the ASD (i know). that means pervasive developmental delay- not otherwise specified on the autism spectrum. what it really means is that on the spectrum of autism you have on one end, the traditionally autistic (non-verbal etc...) on the other end you have aspergers (high functioning autistic- usually really smart about one particular area), and then in the middle you have PDD-NOS which is a very vague diagnosis that can vary significantly from person to person and it pulls from any and all parts of the autism spectrum. a person with PDD-NOS can have any combo of autistic features, and often their diagnosis are co-morbid with other diagnosis. for izzy it is a litany of anxiety disorders. any way you spell it, it's a mouthful. slowly over the last few years we have been coming to terms with what this means for the big picture of her life and the small picture of our daily life. we have been hesitant to share this with the people in our lives because we don't feel like we are on sure footing with it ourselves and it often sparks a lot of questions, conversations, and various looks of pity, concern, disappointment, and confusion. dana and i are both blessed with the gift of sarcasm and we often joke that "autism is the new black". it seems every time we turn on the news or open a magazine there is something about it staring us in the face. these are the questions people usually have for us upon learning about izzy: do you think it's the vaccines? do you know what caused it? how did you get her diagnosed? how does she do in school? does she take medications? have you tried __________ therapy? did you read__________ article/book? did you see oprah? and on and on. don't get me wrong, i appreciate all of the care and concern behind these questions and often it's helpful for me just to get to talk about it. but it's hard not to feel like i'm doing something wrong, or i did something wrong to be among the masses who are learning that their children are ASD (autism spectrum disorder). and i don't know the answers to many of these questions, this is what i do know: i don't know if it's vaccines, so far research says no, but i can't really say. she was diagnosed about 2 years ago by a neuro-psychiatrist that we waited over a year to get in with because she is known as a conservative diagnoser who believes too many kids are being placed on the spectrum. her diagnostic report, after all of the testing, was beautifully done and i feel like the only time i've read something (written by a doctor) about my daughter that really encapsulated all of her. she does ok in school, she has an IEP and a lot of help. she loves going to school. yes, we've tried a lot of therapies, some help, some don't. there are too many for one family to try them all. i've read a lot of books and a lot of articles, and yes i saw that oprah. :-)

i'm sure you all remember when adhd was "all the rage". i know i do. i was a non-parent back then and i often judged the medical profession and sometimes the parents who seemed to be so content to diagnosis and medicate their children. it's just so easy to listen to soundbites and see a few people debate an issue on a tv show and form an opinion that, unless you're someone directly affected, you have no right to form. now i find myself stuck in the middle of the soundbites and my daily life. i'll be honest, autism is a bitch. although i know and accept that this is a part of my izzy, sometimes i fragment it. separate it. compartmentalize it, as a way to remove it and manage it. some days i parent izzy, georgia, and autism. all individuals. i don't want to label her or box her in. some days it's not so bad, she just seems like a quirky funny kid. other days, the autism takes over and i can hardly see my girl in there. those days are excruciating. i am home alone with the kids most of the time, which can be isolating in it's own right. throw into the mix a kid who has social issues and severe and debilitating anxiety and your days can become an island. izzy wants to play with typical kids, but they don't often want to play with her. and trying to get autistic kids to play together, well, let's just say that can feel like trying to swim on dry land. it's hard to watch the neighbor kids run off and play together and leave my kids behind. i understand it, but it's hard. made more difficult by the fact that izzy doesn't understand. she just wants everyone to like her and talk to her about the foods they ate that day and to listen to her read her captain underpants books. i can see the confusion and hurt on her face when others don't want this. especially kids. she has a lot more success with grown-ups. they find her very charming and funny, because she is. that kid says some of the most insightful, funny, wacky things i have ever heard. i believe that there is good that comes from struggle, and the nuggets of humor and wisdom that fly out of izzy's mouth are the good in autism. if she were typical, i would of missed out on a lot of good stuff. one of my favorite izzy stories is when she was getting her haircut at great clips in uptown. she LOVES to get her hair cut because she has a captive audience to chat at for 30 minutes. last march as she was chatting away, michelle (our favorite hair lady) was combing out her fro. her hair was parted down the middle and fully combed out on each side. izzy paused in her chat-rant long enough to look up into the mirror at herself and in a totally spontaneous moment she loudly exclaimed: "OHMIGOD! i look just like george washington!!!" silence fell over the salon for a half of a second and then everyone busted a gut laughing. it was so cute and charming, and oddly enough everyone could see what she meant. despite the fact that she is an 8 year old bi-racial girl, she did kind of resemble george, but only she could see it enough to say it. as everyone was laughing, izzy looked over at me and said, "did i make a joke mommy? was it ok?" that sums up autism for me. she said the most perfect one liner, but doesn't even understand what a joke really is without being told 'this is a joke'. knowing me you should be able to guess how hard that can be on a daily basis. i am constantly cracking jokes, consequently izzy follows me around saying, "you're just saying that, it's a joke, i know it's a joke". don't get me wrong, she laughs at jokes, but not usually until verified as such.

we recently had a talk with izzy and explained to her what autism was and how it affects her. we told her it's a word to describe the ways that her brain works differently. she said, "oh. au-tism. that's a cool word. can i watch a little something?" (she loves movies) since then when features of her autism begin to come out we point out to her, "this is a part of your autism honey, it's ok" we want to give her language for her struggles and we want to demystify this word for her as she will no doubt hear it a lot over her lifetime.

as for me, it's very difficult for me to share this information about my daughter. doing so makes her, and our whole family, vulnerable. but i have been finding myself unable to reach out a lot to other people, even just here on this blog because i am living in autism world and very few people know it. a lot of what i want to write about is how autism trickles out in a family beyond the one diagnosed. what it feels like to try and find the balance of getting your child the help she needs, while fighting not to become the poster child yet again. we are realizing that secrecy is not the right answer either. so i'm going to talk about it. it's not all i want to talk about, some days i would rather talk about anything else. but having the option is a good thing.