always on my mind...

my dad's side of the family used to get together often for what we called "jam sessions". the whole lot of them were musicians masquerading during the day as lawn mower repair men, office workers, door to door salesmen, housewives, etc... when it was time for a jam session, dad was on drums and vocals, aunt mimi played the accordovox (known to the rest of the world as the accordion), and uncle dickie was the standard on the guitar. depending on who showed up there might be random others sitting in. everyone would drink a lot, eat a lot, and drink more. the hallmark for me to know the night was a success was when my great uncles would start calling me "grandma lee" and giving me 2 dollar bills. i have A LOT of 2 dollar bills to this day.

they would play a variety of music, mostly old country. a variety of toasts and tributes would be given in slurred speech and the kids would eventually find somewhere to fall asleep when the sun was coming up.

one of my dad's favorites to play was willie nelson's 'always on my mind'. so slow and sad it would help everyone tap right into their trauma, which there is never a shortage of in my family. getting to that place of despair was always the ultimate goal.

tonight, a random tuesday late at night, i am up watching bad tv; and what do i hear but willie's weathered voice singing 'always on my mind'. it's a commercial for the ASPCA, making a plea for people to help pets who have to "fear the ones that are supposed to care for them". they show pictures of various broken spirited dogs and cats in shelters, and i can't help but wonder where our commercial was. in fact, where is it today? where is the public advertisement that asks the public to financially support rescuing the abused and neglected kids in our society? there are over 700,000 kids in foster care in this country, and yet you rarely hear about it. these are kids who have suffered severe trauma; who are floating on a sea of uncertainty in unfamiliar and often unsafe environments. if they were literally floating on a wrecked barge off of one of our coast lines, these little children who need our help, would we just ignore them? i hope not. so why do we now? why don't we look at our neighbors, and examine our communities policies on caring for children? why are there people injecting themselves with known cancer causing fertility treatments when there are 700+ kids in minnesota alone who are LITERALLY waiting for adoption. FREE adoption. i don't understand this? i don't think i ever could. (which by the way, i am thankful for.)

if you find yourself filling your mind with "buts" right about now than you need to seriously reexamine your perspective. for example: "but those kids all have serious special needs, and i could never do that". or "but i need to have a child 'of my own'." (my personal FAVORITE). if you want a perfect child that needs no special considerations than you should forget about being a parent at all. EVERY kid has special needs. EVERY kid has challenges. guess what? so does every adult. i defy anyone to walk up to me, look me in the eye, and tell me that my children are not my "own". in fact, i double dog dare you. nothing has ever been more of me or from me than my amazing girls. i'm not some saint who just a has a big heart for 'this kind of thing' (something else we hear a lot). we are just regular average people with the capacity to love. we fuck up every day, and we love our kids. they will never know what it is to have to wander off somewhere in an unfamiliar house and try to find a safe place to crash because they don't know where their parents are... at least not on my watch.

long story short (or not), go ahead and adopt a rescue pet, and consider rescuing a child while you're at it.

inching along...

much like myself, time is inching along at an achingly slow pace towards our final moving date. it seems d. has been gone an eternity, and that our arrival in ithaca should be close at hand. this is not the reality. we are a mere 25% through this separation. this will be one of those times in our family history that we look back to and marvel at how we did it. because it will be done, it will happen, it is happening currently.

it feels very distinctly like i am in a body of water with a calm surface, and an incredibly strong undertow. time is simultaneously moving at lightening speed, and a snails pace. the emotional gestation cannot be rushed, yet I WANT THIS BABY OUT! it is an exhausting limbo this in between place.

what i wish for when i get to ithaca, and the truck is unloaded, and the troops are fed, and my road warrior angels have flown back to their homes, and my family is exhaling, what I WANT is to take a long slow walk at six mile rec, and swim in one of the swimming holes. feeling deeply that feeling of diving underwater and surfacing cool and new. going home tired and smiling i will open a local bottle of wine, sit on my patio, and maybe (just maybe) allow one tear of happiness to escape my weathered eyes as i exhale into contentment... it will be then that i have made it home.

mother schmother

so i wasn't one of those blessed with a woman who gave birth to me AND then proceeded to raise me with patience and nurturing... i think they're called "mothers". what i was blessed with was a kick-ass therapist. that may seem an unequal comparison, but you've never met my therapist. you see, i first met her when i was a 14 year old on the brink of total oblivion; and she saw me. she was maybe the first one to look AT me and SEE all of me; and she liked me. still does, in fact. she has been my advocate, witness, savior, teacher, lifeline, and ultimately... the closest thing to a mother that i have ever had. she is protective and knowledgeable. she cares about my well-being, she laughs with me, she gets my dark humor, and she thinks i'm interesting. she sees me as in the process of this thing called life. she embraces me for where i'm at, and i truly believe i wouldn't be here without her. she is a powerful grounding force in my life. she supports my choices and challenges me when i need it. she is always available to me, and always happy to hear from me. what more could i ask for.

as for what i think of her...

i think she is smart, funny, honest, and wise. i think she has special gifts in her chosen career. she smells good, and offers tea and sweets to everyone. she has great shoes; and her outfits range from unique and fun to classic and tailored. she follows through on what she says, and she believes in the people she helps. she is my hero, the one i look up to the most, the one i aspire to be like. i trust her. what more is there than that?

by the way... did you know that a birthday party is a gathering of people that you genuinely like/love doing something that you all enjoy doing together? i just learned about that last year and thought i should pass on the word... :-)

overwhelm, shut-down, drink, stress, feel guilty, REPEAT DAILY...

mother of pearl i am struggling!! my lovely wifeband left to forge our path eastward a week ago. she has created a clear path with tenacious effort and dedication to our family. i, on the other hand, have been drowning in what is left behind. specifically single parenting 24/7, and being left to pack the remainder of our belongings before august 13th. some people are just able to tackle these sorts of challenges head on and do a little each day making it less overwhelming and daunting. i am not one of those people. when i get overwhelmed i get shut-down and i usually end up doing things that i don't need to do. for example, obsessively playing word games or puzzles on facebook. or playing dress-up with the children or sitting on the floor talking to my dogs for a LONG time. or talking on the phone (a lot!) or, or or or or or or or or or or or.......

so this is where i'm at. there's lots to do and my primary grounding force (wifesband) isn't here to ground me. couple that with how much i've already done and I AM FUCKING TIRED. the girls are fighting more than normal ("MMMOOOOOMMMMYYYY... izzy won't play with me!" is something i hear 20,000 times a day), i have a hormonal almost-10-year-old whose mood is swinging in rapid and unpredictable patterns, and my family of origin is emotionally sucker-punching me around every other corner. (fuckers).

enter: shut down. shut in is more like it. i just want to stay home until the moving truck comes and load up and go. it would be even better if i could hide under my covers (literally) until that happens. (yes, for those of you who don't understand what i'm talking about, i know this isn't an option). but it's what i want.

because i try to do my best to end on a positive note i will share what my blessings are right now. my children are healthy adventurous souls. my wifesband is gainfully employed in the town where we want to live; in addition we continue to be madly in love 11+ years later. i have some amazing friends who are really showing up for me right now. i have my dogs, who make it possible for me to go to sleep w/o d each night.

all this goodness, and it still feels so overwhelming to just get up and go pack something... anything. why is that?

letting go, moving on...

timelines are a bitch.  not the kind of bitch one loves (like me!) but the kind one does not so much care for.  over the last weeks as we have come to a firm decision to take our act to ithaca i have been trying my best to time manage the whole situation. 

the questions swim around in my head; when will we list here, when will dana start work there, should we put an offer on the house we love there, when to tell people, when to go, when when when will it all come together?  mid july? end of july? august? when?  i run possible scenarios in my head all day these days trying to figure out what's going to work the best for our family. 

quite frankly money is our main obstacle right now.  or lack thereof.  as if juggling all of these details wasn't stressful enough we have plowed through our savings while dana has been laid off these last months.  i know it's not proper in MN to talk openly about money, but why the fuck not?  it's real. we all deal with it.  we all have or have had some struggle or questions with it at some point in our lives; and yet we act as if it's taboo to talk about it.  fuck that noise. especially in this era of economic uptheassofthemiddleclassedness, we need to be on each others sides. talking about it helps.

but i digress (shocking)... i met with our realtor today, got my homework, and decided on a list price.  what i'm realizing is that i have to let go of something i have historically NOT been good at letting go of.  i have to let go of a timeline.  i have to let go of knowing.  for those of you out there who know me, you know that i like to know. ya know?  it's not serving me or my family well for me to be obsessing about the other side of this journey.  what i am learning (and will probably need to be reminded of lots) is that each day some thing(s) get figured out.  we are building something from the ground up.  one bit by one bit and we (i) need to trust in the process.  i don't want to miss a highest-good opportunity for me and my brood because my sights were not focused on the tasks at hand.  so, just one thing at a time.  one detail. one picture packed.  one project started.  just one. 

breathe in, breathe out...

...plans are progressing.  some moments it feels like a smooth and swift current is leading us eastward and some it feels like we are wading through cement.  i made the calls to the family of origin.  save for my sister (love her) and her family there's not really anyone in the family arena to miss here.  we haven't been met with much (read:any) support for this move by them; the good news there is that they've never really supported any major life decisions so there is comfort in the familiar.

all that said, there are plenty of people we consider to be a part of our extended family network that we will miss terribly.  in that vein i just wanted to say that we will make an annual summer sojourn back to the MN areas that we have called home each summer.  it is important to us to see you all, and your warm wishes and sentiments of missing us are all deeply felt.  we are so thankful to have people out there who love our family and who really see us.  we love you all too.  just in case i (we) haven't told you enough.

ithaca: 10 sq. miles surrounded by reality...

i haven't blogged much in 2009 (duh).  but i need an outlet for my head so i'm gonna jump back on this pony.  thanks for reading (if you're still here).

we are moving.  didn't know this was coming a few months ago, but now that it has i know it's the right thing for me and my family.  we are not only moving, we are leaping in faith across the country to ithaca, ny.  it fits us like those illusive perfect jeans that make your legs look long and your butt look tight.  we are excited. we are terrified.  we are leaving soon.

as individuals the wivesband  and i have always been searchers.  as a couple we have been adventurous.  as a four family (as g. calls us) we have moved through the world instinctively and manifested a magical life.  there are surprises around every corner, and we have come to only expected the unknowing of living in this way.  we are aware as the grown-up leaders of the family that our choices seem odd, maybe even crazy or irresponsible to some. we're ok with that because the intent we cast out has served us well thus far.

when you tell someone you're moving lots of questions get thrown at you.  unfortch, there aren't a plethora of answers right now in our case.  we were in ithaca last week.  d. can be a wire monkey with the union there, and we have found a property we're interested in making our next home.  how all of that is going to happen i can't really say.  but it will.  and i'll keep everyone posted here as i know more.  and in case you were wondering, yes, we are very stressed out.  we are keeping the faith AND we're stressed out.

more to come.  check back regularly.

R.

shattered.

when something is broken an undetermined number of pieces that once seemed whole scatter.  in order for something to truly shatter it takes a sudden powerful jolt.  a single moment.  the slip of a hand.  shards disperse in what i would call a random pattern; but physicists will tell you that the pattern isn't random at all, but something very much predicable.  if it's predictable, is it predetermined?  what about the size of each shard, can that be foretold as well?  

you see, when i shatter something that is glass there are large pieces that usually get picked up first.  it's easy to see that they will cause a hazard if left to live out their destiny on my kitchen floor.  the next step is usually to sweep the floor repeatedly to find the smaller pieces that could do as much, if not greater harm than their large predecessors.   after the sweeping my nerves begin to settle from the jolt of a sudden crash and life begins to happen along it's new trajectory. (i.e.  i was going to make a smoothie.  now, i'm not.)  the thing that strikes me though is that there are always some pieces left behind.  no matter how diligent the person cleaning up the mess is, there is always a painful discovery at some point down the road.  sometimes the person who does the shattering is the one to find a small shard is embedded in their foot, but more often i think it happens to someone else.  someone that maybe you would never expect would be affected by your slip; or more likely someone that you knew would be affected if you didn't clean your mess very well, but whom you assumed would be fine as long as all the pieces were properly disposed of. 

i guess i am of the thought that the one who shatters can never get all of the pieces cleaned up themselves.  it takes more than one set of eyes to see each small glint of shiny glass hidden in places you wouldn't expect it to go.  maybe the trick is identifying the person (or people) who can see what you have missed, and will help you clean up what's shattered before others are hurt.