will you be my friend?

it seems the older we get the more difficult it becomes to spontaneously make a new friend. we probably all have the experience of meeting someone new and thinking, "man, they're cool i would like to hang out with them". but if you're out of college and don't have school as a means for crossing paths frequently and establishing a pattern of witty exchanges or shared eye rolls, how do you make friends when you're a grown up? sure there are these new fangled social networks where you can click a button to add new friends to your life, but i'm not talking about that. i'm talking about seeing someone in real time in the real world and approaching them with actual words out of your actual mouth. radical, i know.

the youngest of my brood, g., is in kindergarten, where making friends is actually a part of the curriculum. being a bit of an overachiever she has made it her personal homework assignment to "make friends" with every single kid in her class. (she would prefer to also be the first one to make friends with everyone, but that is another issue:) she comes home each day with the 'new friend report'. it usually goes like this:

monday: " hey mommy, today i asked ben to be my friend, and he just looked at the floor and walked away.

tuesday: "hey mommy, today i asked ella to me friend and she said yes and we played pretend just-got-born-babies at the zoo"

wednesday: "hey mommy, today verinnia and sahetta got to be my friends because they played with me and i didn't even ask 'em to and i can tell they really like me a a lot so i didn't even ask 'em if they wanted to my friends because i just know they do. isn't that weird? (deep breath) their moms let them color on their faces and they make dots on their heads. how come you don't let me make dots on my head?" (they wear bindi's:-)

thursday: "hey mommy, guess what?!?! i asked ben again to be my friend and this time he said yes! i guess he was just shy before."

friday: "hey mommy, today i was gonna ask charlie to my friend but then he kept touching my hair so i didn't ask him"
ME: "which one is charlie, point him out to me."
G: "over there, jumping on that other boy"
ME: "hey chuck! this one here is my girl, keep your hands OFF! are we clear?"
based on the look of terror in his eye, i think we're clear.

everyday as g. is recounting her list of new friends and how she simply approached them each with one simple request, "will you be my friend?" i think, first of all, i'm raising one brave and confident girl! secondly, i wish grown ups could do that to (without seeming like a creepy stalker). i think we, as grown folks, are just so tied to conversation as a cornerstone of friendship that it becomes a lot more difficult. g. makes her request, gets an answer, and plays. often in silence, next to someone else. happy just to share the space and maybe the activity at hand. can you imagine if i tried that. let's say i see another mom waiting in the hall after school, and i've seen her each day. we have the same bumper stickers on our non-suvs, and we both wear keens. we are from a similar tribe and we both know it. we exchange the pleasant mouth-closed half-smile as we stand and wait for our kids each day. we even make some small talk from time to time about weather. let's say that my next move is to simply say to her, "will you be my friend?" and let's pretend (for the story's sake) that she replies, "sure". what then? can we silently go about our activities in tandem? side by side, without feeling awkward and uncomfortable? (sadly, the answer here is no). if you are in the workforce than the option for work friends exists, and you are guaranteed to have at least your choice of career in common, and that is pretty significant. if you are an at-home parent like myself than it's a little dicier. just being a parent isn't really enough to establish the lasting bonds of friendship. primarily because there are so many different ways to parent. i consider myself a progressive non-traditional mom type, which makes that pool of potential friends even smaller. fortunately for me i am blessed to have good friends left over from the school days/ work days when i made 'em, but some fresh blood would be nice to throw in the mix too. for a minute i thought it would be nice if there were some sort of "will you be my friend" personals. but that would never work because you would always wonder if people wanted to be your friend or if they wanted to be your (as my father says) special friend. ick. who needs the hassle.

the other issue is the issue of couple friends. my wifeband and i are very different, socially speaking. she could make pleasant conversation and deep connection talking to a catatonic. i, am a little more awkward. although i am known to be very vocal, i am initially pretty shy in social situations. i am closeted-shy i guess one might say. i feel uncomfortable when i first enter most social situations, but i fake it til i make it, have a glass of wine, and do my best. after you know me, as sure most readers here can attest to, it's hard to shut me up. "so i got that goin' for me, which is nice." (bill murray circa caddyshack) all of these factors make it difficult for us to meet other couples that we both connect to. i'll tell you this though, when we do meet them it's magical and wacky fun times ensue!

having good friends to rely on for laughter, advice, and just general merriment is one of the best parts of life. seeing g. boldly making new ones each day is inspiring. although they come along less frequently as adults, i am thankful for those friends in my life that i have weathered the years, hairstyles, fashion missteps, and stupid boys/girls with. and even though it makes me a little uncomfortable just thinking about it, i look forward to the friends i will (awkwardly) make in the future.