i grew up in a family that looked the part. we were a caucasian, all bio, hetero, blue collar-turned white collar, moving to the suburbs, one boy child/one girl child (that i knew of at the time), version of the american dream; held together by the marriage of high-school sweethearts. all seemed calm on the surface, and there were many family photos and vacations to document our happiness. meanwhile, the undertow was pulling each of us with growing urgency in other directions. directions away from our assigned spots in the family. i was always that one saying, "ummm, hey guys, do you feel that undertow? it's pulling us apart?" to which my parents and bro would promptly and uniformly reply, "what undertow? you are such a troublemaker!" until finally one day the undertow became too strong for even the most diligent believer in the farce to resist (my mom started schtooping the dentist). yeah, that'll knock you on your ass for sure!
when all of this drama began unfolding, refolding, and unfolding again, i remember looking around at the shock on the faces of my parents, bro, and everyone who knew our family. their shock shocked me. how could they not have seen this coming? it's like watching a passenger train barrel ahead towards a brick wall and then being shocked when it crashes into that wall.
i learned from a lifetime of living in a family system like this that no one really knows what is going on behind closed doors, what i also learned is that the ones who end up judging the marriages and families of others so harshly are really only projecting their own issues, fears, and insecurities. they see something of themselves in that train wreck and it scares the bejesus out of them, so they become defensive, irrational, and mean. i saw it with my family of origin and how we were individually and collectively judged as less than. i have also felt it intimately when my partner and i have struggled in our own marriage. it's difficult to realize in the times of greatest struggle that some of the people you thought you could trust, thought were on the side of your families highest good, will actually project their stuff onto you and make a hard time even harder.
when my parents divorced it was difficult on a lot of levels. there is so much loss when a family splits a part. not only the loss of that family unit and loss of the marriage, but also the loss of community. loss of a social network. loss of family gatherings and holiday traditions. i watched as my parents were both judged, and isolated, and i saw it turn them into worse versions of themselves. it magnified their insecurities and amplified their neurosis. it's been about 15 years now, and i have seen myself and my dad recover and heal in many ways. my mom and my brother however are the walking wounded. this difference further divides an already broken family unit. it seems especially sad and unnecessary. i wonder if it would have been any different if our family would have ben embraced by supportive family or friends when things began to unravel? given my particular families history, i tend to think i probably wouldn't have. like i said, we were broken before we broke. but that doesn't mean that other families going through difficult times (hopefully on a much smaller scale!) couldn't benefit from kindness and support, as well as reserved judgments. you may hear a story told by someone struggling in their marriage as one example of what their going through, this in no way gives you an accurate snapshot of that marriage. every couple is different. what may not work for some, is easily brushed away as no big deal by others. a value held in the highest esteem in one marriage, may not even be a blip on the radar of another. and here's the kicker: every single marriage goes through ups and downs. it's unavoidable. even when you love each other like crazy, and work your asses off to create and maintain the most authentic, honest, and caring partnership possible. expecting yourself to be immune to marital strife is tantamount to setting yourself up for it. judging others when they are struggling is a simple and clear sign that there is much work to be done in your own marriage (or if you're single, your view of marriage).
so keep your eyes on your own paper and next time you feel the urge to pass judgment on someone's private life just pause for a moment and consider what that says about your own.
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1 comment:
Right on!!
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