i have some concerns about what i see happening with barack obama. more to the point, i have some concerns about what some left wingers are doing to barack obama. since just before hilary conceded there has been a trend of tearing him down, and it makes me want to step back and examine this trend of 'glorify then demonize' that we seem to be addicted to in this country. i am all about our freedom to ask questions and scrutinize our leaders and policies. but i would like to say to all of the loud mouthed fools out there that you should really be more educated before you start regurgitating the sound bite you heard and liked. because you sound dumb, and bitter. two qualities which make (smart)people immediately stop listening to you. which in effect removes you from the political discourse that you so desperately want to be a part of. ask yourself, are you moving the political process forward or in reverse?
it's alarming to me that i hear people, over the course of a year or so, go through the same course of talk about a celebrity like brittney spears, as i do about our democratic nominee for president. we build 'em up and we tear 'em down. and i wonder why? what are we getting out of it as individuals? because you know we wouldn't do it if we weren't getting something out of it. people love to cheer for the underdog, to feel they have somehow seen value in someone that no one else has found. but what happens when the world discovers this person and they become generally accepted? i see this all the time. someone loves the next big thing. the next big thing becomes THE big thing and then all of the sudden the original admirer does not love anymore. why? is it not cool? because a year ago the sun rose and set out of the arse of a plucky young african american senator who was considering a run at the whitest house on earth. it was his sincerity, and his vision for change that we all felt so hungry for. now we attack his sincerity and call it naivete and we say his vision for change translates to loose policy. with brittney she was a "role model" and a promising young talent (to some:), and now she's a filthy whore not worthy of our compassion. i have a news flash here people, she was never a role model, and she's not a filthy whore. barack was never the second coming, and he's a not a backwoods neophyte either. they, and the thousands of others like them in the public eye are human. aka, not perfect. ie, neither god nor devil. i am feeling really disgusted with this trend of hoisting someone onto our shoulders, cheering them onto the big pedestal, applauding them as they stand there and we adore from down below, all the while searching the ground for big freakin' rocks to hurl at them in unison and knock them the hell of that f-ing pedestal- i mean who do they think they are anyway!? c'mon people! knock it off. it's self destructive behavior. i hear the right wing and the terrified talking about the enemies coming to get us from other parts of the world and i think, why would they bother? we are going to collapse in on ourselves pretty quick here if we keep this up. we (USA) are like a spoiled teenager spinning out of control. someone is our B/F/F one week, we hate them the next. we consume everything we can get our grubby hands on expecting someone else to clean up our mess and pay the bill. we eat like it's the last supper 3 times a day. we talk loudly about things we really do not understand. we judge people who we perceive as different from us and we think our way is the only good way there is. it's really ridiculous when you look at it. when a voice of reason does try and creep in, we boo and hiss as loudly as we can and call them names. for instance, the media and many of the people who have jumped on the "iraq war is bad" bandwagon now like to say that no one was dissenting the war before it happened, that the president had the country behind him. false. i'm pretty sure i remember a latte being thrown from the window of a large SUV as my family and i marched against the war with a large group of other people before the war began. i'm also pretty sure i remember hearing about lots of other such rallies being help all over the country. but the booing and the hissing and the anti-patriotic name calling drowned us out. what i'm saying is that of more people would be able to articulate what they really think and feel if we would all just calm down. think it through. take turns talking. read more. ask questions, and LISTEN to what all sides have to say. and did i mention, calm down? what about think more? did i already say that? stop expecting others (read: public figures) to be far more perfect than you. they're not. they have an area of talent that is different than you, and they are qualified for a different job than you are. it's ok. you can respect them and disagree sometimes. you can like their vision and not agree with all of their platforms. you can vote for change and be brave and try something new even if you aren't sure if it's going to work out the way you want it to. you don't have to be obama-crazed to vote a democrat into office. he will do a good job. and he will make mistakes. these are the things we know. keep asking questions, but please calm down and do it nicely. you might be surprised with what you hear in the answers when you listen with an open mind.
so i just returned from a visit to the veterinarian with 2 of my 3 hound dogs. 28 pound lab puppy, here to fore known as hartley. and my now 8 pound (she gained one:) poodle named for my favorite mountain, mckinley. seemed reasonable, and one might even argue, sensible to take them to the vet together and get the proverbial 2 birds business done with the one stone. this is one of those many moments in my life where i realize the vast difference between theory and actuality. in theory, it's a good idea. in actuality, i feel like i just survived something horrific, and i'm having a hard time piecing together the memories of the last hour. the ptsd has set in and i am moving into a stunned phase of shock and awe. i'm sure the flashbacks will come and bring with them all sorts of panic type features. fur flying everywhere. a boneless red haired puppy flopping about like a gynormous fish out of water. a gynormous fish on a leash that continually wraps around, and nearly snaps, my ankle bones as he twists and turns his way ever closer to the the young vet tech in a smock covered in kittens playing with balls of yarn. what's that i hear in the background? a mix of heavy panting from said lab and a sharp ear piercing yap from my mountainous poodle. i tink i feel a drop of blood trickle from my ear. i am sure in this moment that this is my nam. and i'm wondering who i should of said what to. did i tell dana i loved her enough? are my girls going to watch helplessly as i perish here on the waiting room floor of a veterinary office? what will they remember of me? suddenly i feel cold and i see a bright light. am i dead? no, it's the a/c kicking on and the door to the exam room has opened, offering solace in it's confinement. i crawl past the obese black cat named dora that lives in that hellish waiting room and into a small well lit room where i am safe. and then an angel appears, a different vet tech this time, and her smock has puppies on it. "oh thank god", i think to myself, "she is a dog person, surely she will help me. she will untangle me and save me from this dirty hairy floor." and she does. she lifts the crazy blob of a puppy onto the exam table and takes his leash along with him. he settles down, and even lays down. i stand, i feel the floor beneath my feet and i think, i just might make it out of here. don't breathe, don't blink. just hand over your credit card and keeps your eyes on the door. we're almost done. and the vet has come and gone and examined the dogs and injected them with something i assume is good for them. everything sounds like i'm in a tunnel. little georgia tugs on my tank top and asks me something, but i can't hear her. it's like she's charlie browns teacher. i am lost and solely focused on making it out alive. suddenly i am home. i don't remember getting both wiggling yapping piles of fur into the car and driving, but i must have because i am here. i am safe. i open the door to the backyard and they run out to lap up some water and greet their big brother. god knows what they will tell him of our time away. my head is full and racing and i have pains in places i shouldn't. leash burns and near bone breaks i suppose. i am thankful my life was spared, and for this blog onto which i empty the contents of my head and let the healing begin.
...and now i have to go make dinner.
my head has been chock full these last 24 hours/ always about thoughts on this thing called the motherhood. if you are one, you know what i'm talking about. these intense feelings of love and connection deeper and more real than you knew existed. and this constant struggle to find a contented balance for your family. in a culture that thinks there are black and white answers to all questions, we live in a constant gray area as mothers. the real juggling act i do is not running the errands and taking the kids to activities and doctors and all of that worldly stuff, it is the other side. the earthly side that keeps the balls constantly in the air. by worldly i mean the list of to-do's, the intellectual side of running a family. the working out of equations in our head as if our kids or families are math problems to solve. i was never good at math. by earthly i mean the bigger picture. the core essential truth that all of the to-dos don't amount to much. the details of the day that inundate us and perplex us are not the core of what we are grappling with. as mothers we grapple, whether aware or not, with much bigger issues. the juggling and balancing act i do is one of planets. we are a "four family" to quote georgia, and as the mother it is my job to gently wrap these four planets in my earthly understanding of what we all need and want and create a sense of unity and whole balance where all of our highest goods are being served. no pressure. it becomes the most scary and tricky and beautiful and awe-inspiring when one of our four planets orbits away from the established balance. at this point it becomes my duty to first recognize the shift and imbalance. evaluate and acknowledge what is and is not working for this planet and our solar system as a whole. and to gently either realign the outward orbiting planet back to the solar system, or recognize that the planet is not the one off balance, and lovingly shift the solar system to regain balance as a whole. no biggie. :-) these sorts of shifts can come a few times a year, or a few times a day. a mother must always have her eyes and heart open and aware to the fact that our worldly decisions will never stand up against our families earthly truths, even when we think they should.
i didn't come to this awareness of motherhood right off the bat, although i'd love to pretend i did. it is an ongoing evolution of figuring out what has worked and what has not. usually what has not. what does not. i am the queen of looking at the big and small pictures and problem solving my way through a difficult time. managing time, daily tasks, and the people around me. tending to details and making sure all is where it "should" be. one annoying and invaluable lesson the motherhood has given me is the understanding that sometimes all of the pieces are in place, all of the details are tended to, and everyone has what they "should" need. and it still doesn't work. i can't make it work. that really sucks. i've always been a strong and wise woman that could tap into my worldly and earthly sides and find a solution to each problem. ...until i became a mother. i find more and more that to get to our solar systems highest good i have to shut out the white noise, let the worldly fall away, and focus on the earthly balance. when i have allowed myself to do this my family has benefited immeasurably. the more i see this and feel this the easier it becomes to tap into those core truths and keep us in planetary alignment. i'm sure that by the time i have it down, they will be ready to fly the solar system and find their own planets to orbit with. i take comfort in knowing that this four family will always share a universe.
being new this whole blogging business i have been poking around trying to find interesting blogs to read and people to connect with. i am mostly drawn to mom blogs, more specifically, brutally honest mom blogs that make me feel less alone. i've found a few good ones (see blog list) and look forward to continued exploration. on one mom blog i saw she referred to herself as a SAHM (stay at home mom). i like this for a few reasons: one, i am a fan of acronyms, and B.) it got the polluted stream of consciousness in my head flowing.
you see i have long identified as a stay at home feminist. never heard of such a title? you will, just wait it will sweep nation one of these days. i'm sure of it. i've chosen this identity because it's more about who i am individually than who i am as related to my kids and partner, and i don't want to lose myself while i am at home parenting and running this mad house. it also separates me out from the at-home mombots who are drunk on their power at the PTO, and for whom the word scrapbook is a verb. i like this distinction. so i was thinking, what would my acronym be? why it would have to be SAHF, of course!. which naturally made me think of Sappho, queen of the isle of lesbos. so i have decided that a good all inclusive acronym to help identify all of who i am (feminist-mother-lesbian) is to simply refer to myself as SAHF-ic. i'm so SAHF-ic. yes, it suits me. which leads me to wonder, are there any other SAHF-ic's out there in the blogosphere? i would love to find you if you ever find yourselves lurking here. one need not be a lesbian to be SAHF-ic, but one must be a feminist.
next i started wondering, what should i be doing as a SAHF-ic pioneer to make my agenda known? do i even have an agenda? or is this just a way of amusing myself and making me believe that i have not lost who i was b.c. (before children)? and then i thought, what the hell, i ALWAYS have an agenda, and opinions. i also always have a feeling of entitlement to share my opinions, whether wanted or not. i'm not saying it's a good quality, i'm just saying i possess it. anyhoo, here is my SAHF-ic bill of rights/ code of conduct/ list of demands/ random proclamations: (AKA, you might be a SAHF-ic if...)
1.) Have a lot of opinions and share them regularly.
2.) Believe that women are at least equal, but more likely superior.
3.) enjoy political discourse.
4.) this is a must: opt OUT of the free-with-every- c-section lobotomy that is apparently being offered at hospitals nation wide.
5.) never wear high heels and/ or make-up when you aren't going to make it out of the house that day and then claim, "i just feel better when i look nice". wanna feel better? read a book or listen to NPR. or better yet, take a nap because you're probably over tired.
6.) talk (and listen) to your kids as if you actually value their opinions and ideas.
7.) value their opinions and ideas.
8.) value your opinions and ideas. and for that matter tell your kids that they need to value your opinions and ideas.
9.) identify and do some things that YOU enjoy doing every day, even if it means that the things (i.e. house cleaning) don't get done.
10.) don't settle for being disrespected by your family. just because we SAHF-ics aren't unionized doesn't mean we can't go on strike.
11.) make yourself laugh by making your kids think you've snapped completely. sometimes i climb on my kitchen table at lunch time and shake my fists while shouting "UNION! UNION!" so i can feel like norma ray. it really freaks'em out.
12.) when you're sad, be sad. when you're happy, be happy. when you're mad, swear under your breath while stomping around the house. teach your kids that you're human and it's ok for everyone in a family to feel all kinds of things and still love each other. (even moms)
13.) make some friends and go out with them. have a life outside of your house that has nothing to do with your kids. it's good for you, and it's a good example of self-care to set for the future SAHF-ics in your house that may be watching. personally, i like to play ridiculously hard trivia at a bar on tuesday nights with my friends.
14.) keep up on current events, not only for trivia night, but to keep one foot planted in the world outside of your family.
15.) and lastly (for now), be appalled and angry at all of the stupid shit that is going on around us. and then blog about it so your fellow SAHF-ics can get pissed off too.
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