shattered.

when something is broken an undetermined number of pieces that once seemed whole scatter.  in order for something to truly shatter it takes a sudden powerful jolt.  a single moment.  the slip of a hand.  shards disperse in what i would call a random pattern; but physicists will tell you that the pattern isn't random at all, but something very much predicable.  if it's predictable, is it predetermined?  what about the size of each shard, can that be foretold as well?  

you see, when i shatter something that is glass there are large pieces that usually get picked up first.  it's easy to see that they will cause a hazard if left to live out their destiny on my kitchen floor.  the next step is usually to sweep the floor repeatedly to find the smaller pieces that could do as much, if not greater harm than their large predecessors.   after the sweeping my nerves begin to settle from the jolt of a sudden crash and life begins to happen along it's new trajectory. (i.e.  i was going to make a smoothie.  now, i'm not.)  the thing that strikes me though is that there are always some pieces left behind.  no matter how diligent the person cleaning up the mess is, there is always a painful discovery at some point down the road.  sometimes the person who does the shattering is the one to find a small shard is embedded in their foot, but more often i think it happens to someone else.  someone that maybe you would never expect would be affected by your slip; or more likely someone that you knew would be affected if you didn't clean your mess very well, but whom you assumed would be fine as long as all the pieces were properly disposed of. 

i guess i am of the thought that the one who shatters can never get all of the pieces cleaned up themselves.  it takes more than one set of eyes to see each small glint of shiny glass hidden in places you wouldn't expect it to go.  maybe the trick is identifying the person (or people) who can see what you have missed, and will help you clean up what's shattered before others are hurt.

it 'twas, it really 'twas...

'twas the night before solstice

and all through the house

not a lesbian was stirring

or even remodeling her house.

flannel stockings were hung

by the wood stove with care,

in hopes that ellen soon would be there.

the rescue dogs were nestled all snug in their beds,

while visions of homemade dog biscuits danced in their heads.

and kathy in her kerchief

and other kathi in her cap

had just settled down

for a long winters nap.

when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

the kathies sprang from their bed

to see what was the matter.

away to the window they flew like a flash

tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

when what to their wondering eyes did appear?

some ladies in vests

drinking wine and dark beer.

suddenly from the crowd appeared 

an angel aglow

it was ellen degeneres 

wearing mukluks in the snow.

More rapid than eagles the lesbians came,

ellen whistled and shouted and called them by name;

"now kathy and kathi, and deb and colleen

on shirley, dianna, butch, and hakim"

to the top of the porch! to the top of the stair

come in from the cold, it's cozy in there.

The candles they lit

the wine they kept drinking

the food was potluck

gelled mullets atwinkling

they sang a few songs

jumped over the fire

they each knew they shared

a saphhic desire

Ellen stepped forth

and raised up her glass

"Happy Solstice to all!  I am drunk off my ass..."

well now, that does sound super neat!

holiday lunacy is in full swing 'round these parts.  bizarre emails pouring in regularly with odd requests, questions, ideas, and statements. 

the woman who bore me (p-dawg) is all about forcing "neat new traditions" down our throats.  she believes that if she can just set up the perfect ritual for each and every occasion that everyone will be happy and no one will misbehave.  she's always wrong, of course, but this doesn't stop her from trying.  she is the queen of beating a dead horse.  lucky me.  the following is an excerpt from todays email:

Also, I thought a neat tradition would be for me to read either the story of Baby Jesus or the Night Before Christmas to the kids to wind them down before they leave.  Let me know your thoughts on this.  Rebecca, I don't know if you ever talk about Baby Jesus with your girls.

...because i am satan worshipping godless lesbian who dances around fire and casts spells.  clearly.  note that there's an implied question, but not actually a real one.  it's like she just wondered out loud.  and p.s. good luck getting 5 squirrelly kids to sit still and listen to a story on christmas eve night.  that sounds like a blast.  my kids have been begging to have their werido grandma read from the bible after pumping them full of sugar.  i'm sure it will become a time honored priceless kodak moment that all of the ladies at the garden club will mistake for genuine family merriment.  so that's a relief.

wake me when it's over please...

just fyi...

i headed down to my local drop off station for the toys for tots drive today and was saddened when they refused my donation.  i was shocked to learn that my new unwrapped gifts for the children were not up to par according to the marines on duty.  apparently it's not considered in vogue these days to give kids lady schick razors, a carton of cigs, a tub of crisco, and a 12 pack of tube socks from costco.  who knew.  

hopefully my story will save you an unnecessary trip to this ungrateful charity.  god bless.

what to choose...what to choose...

sadly the following list is NOT A JOKE.  it is the actual unaltered email i received from my fathers wife.  i didn't feel i should hoard the laughter i got from this just for myself...happy holidays.

Greetings Folks: 

 

I'm responding to some of your requests for "ideas."   I think you'll find them all pretty practical.  For those who have not sent us your "wish lists," I would appreciate them as soon as possible.    Thank you very much!

 

·         Rubbermaid snap on easy find lid containers in various sizes.  Scott (my dad) complains "bitterly" about our current containers and finding the correct lid.  BLACK lids only. 

·         Placemats for our round kitchen table.  Need to be easy to launder or wipe off.  Maybe the slightly rounded style; but not necessary

·         JC Penneys Gift Card

·         Scott needs underwear (we hardly ever get a chance to shop).  He likes the extra heavy v-neck t-shirts (size L in Strafford brand) and size M briefs (she's talking about my dad here!)

·         Jammies or Nightshirt/gown style for Syl (probably size small)

·         Lounge pants & top for Scott (probably size large)

·         Barnes & Noble Gift Card

·         Movie Gift Card

·         Two hours of closet cleaning/organization assistance by anyone

·         Two hours of "spring cleaning" assistance in the store- vacuuming and dusting.  Does not need to wait until spring

·         Frozen meals

·         Small bottles of water (pod size)

·         Small bottles of  Fanta orange pop

·         Sunday morning breakfast

·         Refills for Airwick Freshmatic air fresheners (large & small size)

·         Microsoft wireless mouse x 1 for store

·         Swingline battery operated stapler for store

·         Store supplies (paper towels, paper plates, paper bowls, toilet paper)

·         Hand towels  (white, blue, yellow)  that have a loop/hook to hang on a hook. 

·         Plastic storage bin(s) with wheels

·         Schwan's Ice Cream Gift Certificate

·         Columbia Crest Merlot, Shiraz, or Chardonnay Wine

·         Casserole dish holder for round, oval, and rectangular casserole dishes

·         LARGE frying pan with lid

·         Black & Decker Adjustable Wrench for Scott (we saw an ad on TV. lately and he thought it looked good)

·         Glasses (probably clear) that have a very low small stem 10-12 oz size.  It would be nice if there was a matching style in about a 4-6 ounce size.

·         Swingline electric (BATTERY Operated) stapler for store

·         Small personal battery operated calculator for store--something to throw in a desk drawer

·         Note pads for the store (anyone's giveaways work just fine for notes and scratch paper)

·         Nice smelling liquid hand soap for home and store. 

keeping my eye on the prize...

now that i have sufficiently vented about my holiday stress i will share the things i look forward to and enjoy about this unique time of the year.

-our family holiday card. i love making it. it's really the one time a year when the inside of my head materializes into something visual to share with everyone i know and love or like. this years is all done and ready to be mailed. i can't wait to send it out!!

-the display on the 8th floor of macy's in downtown minneapolis. i have been to it every year of my life with the exception of a few that i was out of the country for. i love it. i especially love getting a gingerbread cookie afterwards, even though they are not hot and freshly made the way they were when i was a kid.

-winter solstice. this is when we exchange our family gifts to each other, and we have some sort of gathering or celebration with friends we love. we give our girls each a few dollars and take them to ARC to shop for gifts for us, their parents. what they come up with is awesomely hideous and hilarious every year. vhs tapes of obscure movies, plastic jewelry, feather dusters, the sky's the limit.


-tucking my girls into bed on christmas eve night. their excitement, utter joy, and anticipation radiates off of them.

-christmas day. we have claimed this day just for our "four family" (as g. says) every year. the girls get up insanely early to check their loot. we hang out in our pj's all day and watch movies and i make a nice warm meal of every one's favorite comfort foods. we don't answer the phone and we don't go anywhere, it's pure goodness.

so i've got all of that going for me, which is nice. and for the rest, i've got wine.

goddamn holidays

thanksgiving hasn't even happened yet and my holiday stress is upon me. this more than unpleasant feeling can only be likened to the feeling i imagine santa gets when an obese american child plops down on his lap at an overcrowded mall on a saturday afternoon. first comes the dread of what you see approaching, than the realization that you are powerless to stop it from happening, and finally the acceptance that it is going to hurt and alcohol is the only thing that's going to get you through.

this is the holidays with my family. not my chosen family of course, but the others. the ones that hang like an albatross around my neck. my parents divorced about 12 years ago or so. i was an adult by then, unfortunately they were not. they squabble and pout about whose house who is going to spend what time at for the holidays. "well if you are here for 4 hours, than must go there for 4 hours too." i can feel my ulcer churning.

you often hear the phrase "the true spirit of christmas" around this time of the year. what the hell does that mean? can someone please clue me in? because all i can see are ipods, credit card debt, weight gain, and the aforementioned alcohol. not to mention my favorite of all holiday games, "who will have a blow out this year" also known as, "family feud- the holiday edition". who will it be? ma and pa? i don't think so, to obvious. bro and sis? possibly. ma and me? well, that's a given. dad and everyone? duh. evil stepwhore and the gay dentist? fingers crossed! the anticipation is killing me! seriously, i think it might actually be killing me.

last year we fled this isle of misfit toys and vacationed in NYC. it was a glorious reprieve from the madness. the realization that my reprieve is long gone is finally setting in. with the economy crashing around us we will be spending our holidays in a balmy little place i call hell. the airfare is cheap, but the hidden fees are a bitch.

some of you might call me a scrooge. you'd be wrong, but you might be thinking it. obviously you didn't grow up in a family like mine, lucky you. count your blessings and put on your sequined holiday sweater. stop reading this blog and go to Jc-fucking-penney's to get your family holiday card photo taken. go! do it! gather around the fireplace and tell your family stories from yor or wherever you are from. because in my family this is the truth. and i'm not going to wear a shiny outfit, plaster a fake smile on my face for pictures, and compliment people on food that has a saturated fat content of 110% due to the heavy use of lard and velveeta. i'm not going to pretend that i really deep dpwn wanted a gift certificate to the dress barn. i'm not going to concede that a few hours spent near a well decorated tree make everything that is broken all better. i do not have the constitution to ignore the goddamn elephant(s) in the room. what i can do is introduce the elephant. "hello elephant. meet my family. family, elephant. can i get you some cheese covered cheese balls dipped in meat? how about a side of liquid sugary fat to drink? how about it elephant, do you feel lucky, punk?"

merry fucking christmas.