it 'twas, it really 'twas...

'twas the night before solstice

and all through the house

not a lesbian was stirring

or even remodeling her house.

flannel stockings were hung

by the wood stove with care,

in hopes that ellen soon would be there.

the rescue dogs were nestled all snug in their beds,

while visions of homemade dog biscuits danced in their heads.

and kathy in her kerchief

and other kathi in her cap

had just settled down

for a long winters nap.

when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

the kathies sprang from their bed

to see what was the matter.

away to the window they flew like a flash

tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

when what to their wondering eyes did appear?

some ladies in vests

drinking wine and dark beer.

suddenly from the crowd appeared 

an angel aglow

it was ellen degeneres 

wearing mukluks in the snow.

More rapid than eagles the lesbians came,

ellen whistled and shouted and called them by name;

"now kathy and kathi, and deb and colleen

on shirley, dianna, butch, and hakim"

to the top of the porch! to the top of the stair

come in from the cold, it's cozy in there.

The candles they lit

the wine they kept drinking

the food was potluck

gelled mullets atwinkling

they sang a few songs

jumped over the fire

they each knew they shared

a saphhic desire

Ellen stepped forth

and raised up her glass

"Happy Solstice to all!  I am drunk off my ass..."

well now, that does sound super neat!

holiday lunacy is in full swing 'round these parts.  bizarre emails pouring in regularly with odd requests, questions, ideas, and statements. 

the woman who bore me (p-dawg) is all about forcing "neat new traditions" down our throats.  she believes that if she can just set up the perfect ritual for each and every occasion that everyone will be happy and no one will misbehave.  she's always wrong, of course, but this doesn't stop her from trying.  she is the queen of beating a dead horse.  lucky me.  the following is an excerpt from todays email:

Also, I thought a neat tradition would be for me to read either the story of Baby Jesus or the Night Before Christmas to the kids to wind them down before they leave.  Let me know your thoughts on this.  Rebecca, I don't know if you ever talk about Baby Jesus with your girls.

...because i am satan worshipping godless lesbian who dances around fire and casts spells.  clearly.  note that there's an implied question, but not actually a real one.  it's like she just wondered out loud.  and p.s. good luck getting 5 squirrelly kids to sit still and listen to a story on christmas eve night.  that sounds like a blast.  my kids have been begging to have their werido grandma read from the bible after pumping them full of sugar.  i'm sure it will become a time honored priceless kodak moment that all of the ladies at the garden club will mistake for genuine family merriment.  so that's a relief.

wake me when it's over please...

just fyi...

i headed down to my local drop off station for the toys for tots drive today and was saddened when they refused my donation.  i was shocked to learn that my new unwrapped gifts for the children were not up to par according to the marines on duty.  apparently it's not considered in vogue these days to give kids lady schick razors, a carton of cigs, a tub of crisco, and a 12 pack of tube socks from costco.  who knew.  

hopefully my story will save you an unnecessary trip to this ungrateful charity.  god bless.

what to choose...what to choose...

sadly the following list is NOT A JOKE.  it is the actual unaltered email i received from my fathers wife.  i didn't feel i should hoard the laughter i got from this just for myself...happy holidays.

Greetings Folks: 

 

I'm responding to some of your requests for "ideas."   I think you'll find them all pretty practical.  For those who have not sent us your "wish lists," I would appreciate them as soon as possible.    Thank you very much!

 

·         Rubbermaid snap on easy find lid containers in various sizes.  Scott (my dad) complains "bitterly" about our current containers and finding the correct lid.  BLACK lids only. 

·         Placemats for our round kitchen table.  Need to be easy to launder or wipe off.  Maybe the slightly rounded style; but not necessary

·         JC Penneys Gift Card

·         Scott needs underwear (we hardly ever get a chance to shop).  He likes the extra heavy v-neck t-shirts (size L in Strafford brand) and size M briefs (she's talking about my dad here!)

·         Jammies or Nightshirt/gown style for Syl (probably size small)

·         Lounge pants & top for Scott (probably size large)

·         Barnes & Noble Gift Card

·         Movie Gift Card

·         Two hours of closet cleaning/organization assistance by anyone

·         Two hours of "spring cleaning" assistance in the store- vacuuming and dusting.  Does not need to wait until spring

·         Frozen meals

·         Small bottles of water (pod size)

·         Small bottles of  Fanta orange pop

·         Sunday morning breakfast

·         Refills for Airwick Freshmatic air fresheners (large & small size)

·         Microsoft wireless mouse x 1 for store

·         Swingline battery operated stapler for store

·         Store supplies (paper towels, paper plates, paper bowls, toilet paper)

·         Hand towels  (white, blue, yellow)  that have a loop/hook to hang on a hook. 

·         Plastic storage bin(s) with wheels

·         Schwan's Ice Cream Gift Certificate

·         Columbia Crest Merlot, Shiraz, or Chardonnay Wine

·         Casserole dish holder for round, oval, and rectangular casserole dishes

·         LARGE frying pan with lid

·         Black & Decker Adjustable Wrench for Scott (we saw an ad on TV. lately and he thought it looked good)

·         Glasses (probably clear) that have a very low small stem 10-12 oz size.  It would be nice if there was a matching style in about a 4-6 ounce size.

·         Swingline electric (BATTERY Operated) stapler for store

·         Small personal battery operated calculator for store--something to throw in a desk drawer

·         Note pads for the store (anyone's giveaways work just fine for notes and scratch paper)

·         Nice smelling liquid hand soap for home and store.